Hello… Again.

Wow, it feels like FOREVER since I wrote a blog (Rant). I really don’t even know where to begin. Do I start by talking about Dexy? Do I update you on River? Do I let you know why I haven’t been blogging or been on social media as much? There are so many things I want to tell you all but I really don’t even know where to begin…

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I’ve been in a grief limbo, I don’t know if that is an official term or if I have just made it up to make myself feel a little better and I think it sounds more forgiving as to why I have been so absent. Since my birthday it has really just made me realise how much Dexy is missing from our lives. Not like I didn’t know that anyway but it just basically confirmed it and quite frankly it is bloody shit. Oh, yeah I still love typing swear words.. it is oddly satisfying haha. But the grief is deep and I got somewhere lost and unable to swim myself back to a safe place. I really thought over time you just learnt to cope with it and that somehow it would be “easier” I now realise this is not the case and actually I’m probably only just scratching the surface into a lifetime of grieving. I still cannot understand how in 2019 babies still die, some still have no cause of death and why the hell we still are not talking about it? Like it really isn’t that hard to look at a photo of someone’s cute baby and ask what their name is… Or maybe I’m just missing something and people selfishness takes over and their emotions are greater than a grieving parent’s? Remember five minutes of being uncomfortable is nothing compared to your child dying.

Self-doubt. Isn’t that a pain in the arse. I know I haven’t got a massive following or particularly well known but I still have my fair share of critics out there who like to comment on everything I do and think their opinion really matters no matter how irrelevant it is. I guess part of that is my fault as I do openly share my life, my family and everything that comes with that whether it is positive or negative and I have chucked myself into the deep end. But it is when them critics are not just online and are part of your “real life” too. Then it gets pretty shitty. It also gets incredibly hard. I don’t know how many of you remember but I wrote a post a long while ago about feeling like I had to censor what I said more because it was upsetting certain members of our families which now I know by mentioning this I will be expecting one of us to get a shitty text but it needs to be said. I felt like I really couldn’t talk about many things and that I had to edit and cut out a lot of my blogs to not offend people and that really isn’t my style of writing. I love a rant and I love to just let loose. this is my “sort of” therapy. I started doubting myself as a person, a blogger, a friend, and a mum. Was I doing everything in my power to be a better human and using what I have to help people. I decided by just lying low the feeling of this would pass but I now also realise this isn’t always the case of feelings and how people make you feel. May I add now that I am realising ALOT recently. I think maybe its because I’ve decided I don’t give to care about the world more than I need to care for myself.

I’m coming to the end of my mental health care being under the perinatal mental health service which is really bloody scary. I’ve been with them since I was first pregnant with Dexy and I finally feel like I am being listened too and cared about but the NHS only provides this service until your child is one (living or dead). which I guess is good but what happens after their first birthday? where do I go then? Am I going to be passed around or am I going to get proper care again? It is pretty certain that I’m going to the Adult Service being the wellbeing team will most likely not take me (yeah there is a thing about being too complex for a service). Perinatal mental health has really been amazing. I’m currently on a DBT course which is actually working wonders and I feel in control. if you asked me that five years ago if I EVER thought that was possible I would have said no without a second thought. But here I am. Still living, still breathing and in control. It’s actually an amazing group which is full of brilliant mums. I think I have made friends, who I hope I stay in contact with after it finishes.

River turning one next month is scary. This year has gone so quick. How is he ONE? like where did my little baby go? He was a little newborn yesterday and now he is this funny, caring, special little boy. It was until about 6 months that I found it hard because every milestone or something new he has done was like a knife in the heart because Dexy never got to do it. But after 6 months it was like something changed. I couldn’t imagine Dexy ever being older than 6 months. I don’t know what he would look like, what his voice would sound like, how he would feel when I hugged him. Big milestones are still bittersweet but all the little things it is like they have been separated. I can’t picture him being anything other than a baby and it breaks me. I will go into more detail about this as I feel it is important to highlight because I’ve not really seen anyone talking about it and I don’t want people to feel as though there is anything wrong with feeling like that.

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I’m back at work… Well, I do 12 hours a week which covers my direct debits and paying off my credit card haha. after maternity leave for 2 years that poor card has taken a beating. I’m also doing some freelance community management on social media and just general social media fun stuff. I’m actually loving it and I feel like I’ve got it all under control. It is super handy as well because I don’t have a time slot where I have to do it e.g 9-5. I just whip my phone out whenever I have time (normally when River is napping) and work. It is super handy and it fits around my family which is all I could ask for.

We have moved… again. but this time into my parents because we are hoping to buy a house and save as much as we can as it is practically impossible when renting in Brighton. I was sad when we decided we would leave our flat because it holds so many memories and Dexys whole life was in that building and he also died there too so it holds an extremely special place in my heart which is where it will stay forever. I will never forget the memories and how our lives changed forever there but life doesn’t stop because your child’s heart does and that fucking sucks. As time goes on I am forever losing another connection I have to him. He’s two in January and I am getting further away from when I held him and took him all in. I know, I just know when it is my time to die no matter what he will be the person I see when I finally close my eyes. I just know it. That moment when I do will be me completed as I have spent my life without him and I finally get to hold him and be with him. I remember seeing a photo soon after Dexy died and it is the truest thing I have ever seen and I hope for it so badly. I’ll add it below. It breaks my heart whenever I see it but it really is just so beautiful. I’ve got a lump in my throat now writing about it and looking at it.

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I promise I will be writing more. I’m in a place now to open up again and I have truly missed this. I already feel 100% better.

Thank you all for your emails of checking in and staying patient with me. I hope you’re all doing okay or as okay you can be?

Hannah x

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I would never expect anyone to pay to read my blog so it will always be free but having this donation button gives you the option of paying £1.50 to support the running of my blog. Please do not feel the need you have to, it is just there in case. Hannah x

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