When you celebrate a birthday that you know your child will never it brings up so many unwanted but valid emotions. Since Dexy died I have really struggled with the idea of birthdays, they are just so incredibly painful when you know that your baby will never even get to blow out their candles or celebrate with you. I love spending them with my family but forever am missing one. painful I think doesn’t even cover it.
When I woke up and I had Phil smiling and River talking away my thoughts when straight to Dexy. He would be 15 months now. I have no idea what he would be doing, who he would look like or even what his little voice and laugh would sound like. I wonder if he would have toddled in with a little ballon or holding a card. I wonder if he would laugh at his daddy singing happy birthday to me or if he would cry as we left him with his grandparents to go out for dinner. This is something every year (this is my second birthday without him) that bothers me, I just miss him.
“A Mother should not outlive their son.” Well, every birthday I have just proved that I am and I always will be. Now my birthday isn’t all negative because I did have a really lovely day! I got tattooed by one of my best friends “Georgiie Gibbs“.
I woke up to cupcakes of chocolate and vanilla with a cute balloon and gifts from the boys and he knows just how much I struggle. I had a lovely afternoon walking around town with Phil and River and in the evening we had such an amazing meal out at “The Ivy” I really did feel like a complete princess. I’m so lucky for this to be my 5th birthday of many with Phil because every year he always puts in so much effort.
The evening was something I really needed. I got to dress up and feel a million pounds. I got a new dress, shoes, finally got to curl my hair and put on a full face that wasn’t rushed. I drank wine, ate out of this world food and had delicious cocktails and I got to experience this beautiful evening with my husband. Yes, we did only talk about the children (Fur child included) but that’s really what made it. We had our time but we laughed at how that has changed over the years. From partying hard and saying “I love you” on my first birthday with him to now being married, having two children, a home and a little poop of a dog!
It really is just a reminder that life goes on without him and while I want to pause it and stop it carrying on at the same time I know I can’t because if he is anything like us personality wise he would want us to be as happy as we can and to carry on. His life is our life. His birthdays are celebrated through ours and he is our son. Our extremely loved and missed son.
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