I sometimes worry if I’m going crazy or just being a normal Mum but I am concerned and worried over everything. Sometimes I can’t even rest until Dr Google has been involved or I’ve asked about 50 people the same question. I don’t know if it is because River is my first alive child that I have brought home and my behaviour is normal or if it is because of Dexy dying that I’m so scared that it will happen again that I’m in constant high alert of every tiny thing.
I got warned during my pregnancy by other “Parenting After Loss” parents that it would be extremely bittersweet and a completely different way of parenting compared to others who have never gone through this.
All the way through my pregnancy I was convinced he would be stillborn again and if he was born alive he would soon die. How fucking awful does that sound now. When we brought him home I was convinced he would stop breathing. Now I’m starting to believe he might be okay but then I feel bad for thinking that, like im jinxing it and then he will die. River when he got his first cold my brain went into over drive and I was panicking continuously and couldn’t settle until he was seen by a Doctor.
So… Will it stop? Who knows but it is getting easier in time and I am finally staring to relax more with him.
Talking about my feelings with Phil is a massive help, to know I’m not alone and that we can go through this as a couple. That’s important for me. To feel secure over how I’m feeling and not coping alone. Talking with other bereaved parents who have had children before or after their child died also helps. When it is someone you don’t know in person, who doesn’t know you it makes you feel like you can open up. They are going through similar feelings and similar situations. TRUST ME You are not alone, in any of this.
Dexy dying has made my life change, a lot. I know this is going to sound odd – never in a bad way. He has taught me so much in my life but more importantly how easy you can lose it all. I think this was like his slap around the face of “mum you need to live life now” And I hope I have now and he sees that. I feel like I’m a better mum to River now because I’m so vigilant and it probably hasn’t saved his life in any way and I don’t know if it ever will but I’m aware of just how careful I am with him and I hope he doesn’t see my worrying over him as something negative when he is older just more that I’m scared of loosing him too. That’s the important bit “Too”. I’ve lost his brother and I never want to go through that pain twice. Dexy is very much the best big brother.