Is He Your First?

This has been a question that I’ve dreaded through my whole pregnancy, it cuts deeps and it hurts. I think it hurts more because it is such an innocent question that anyone should be able to answer without thinking if they should lie or not. It is a question that really highlights that life’s innocence is taken after your baby dies.

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My first thought when I get asked this is “I have about one second to think what I’m going to say”. Do I tell them “No, he’s my second”? But if I do that the conversation could just end with that statement and it would be okay… What if they ask how old my other one is? Do I say “He is 1” or “He would be 1” which then leads to the comment “oh you had them close together, I bet that’s hard work” (I wouldn’t know if it is hard work because one is dead). Or… If I say “He would be 1″… Then it could lead to possible awkwardness which 99% of the time it does or it could lead to questions and If I’m just trying to buy food or something I’m really not down for talking about why my son was taken from me for no reason. I just wanna go in a shop, grab my shit and then leave without talking to anyone but babies are deffo a conversation starter when you don’t want to talk to people.

My second thought is “Yes, he’s my first.” This saves questions but then I completely ignore the fact that River has an older brother who is very much a part of our lives and always will be. I just hate the look on people’s faces when they realise you have a dead kid and they are like “fuckkkk did I put my foot in it” I think I am more concerned about other people’s feelings and them being upset than my own. Like I really don’t mind talking about Dexy in any shape or form.. Whether that be about him in general or saying “You know what? I do have two kids, sadly one died but he is still my child”. I just can’t deal with them being sorry for me, crazy I know. I want them to be happy I have two boys but society doesn’t think like that and unless we all start talking about it more and try to get rid of this illusion we don’t want to talk about it or we are always sad about it then it will never change, that look will never change. Ergh that look is now all I can think about.

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So what do I do in that situation? How do I answer that question? Like hell do I know? I think I just read the “vibe” that they are giving off and what sort of conversation it is. I do apologise to Dexy out loud when I’m walking away after saying he is my first. I feel so guilty if I do answer it that way. I shouldn’t have to pick? My mum doesn’t just ignore one of us if she gets asked how many kids she has. My eldest sister doesn’t just get not spoken about.. “She’s 31 now so I might just leave her out.. Not really a kid anymore” Imagine if my mum just ignored that fact one of my sisters didn’t exist, I would actually be like what the fuck you chatting about? So why should I leave off one of my children? I think I will just have to get used to “the look” and be like “Don’t be sorry, I have such amazing memories of him and I’m okay as I can be with it”… Okay I bullshitted, I’m not okay with it but I have finally got my head around that now this is how it is, I can’t get him back no matter how much I wish I could.

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How do you answer it? Or How would you?

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