How crazy is this? I’m here, River is here, Dexy’s birthday and anniversary has been.. Honestly I feel like I have a whole lifetime to get you guys up to date with! So in the middle of nap time I thought I would crackdown, get out of the baby-moon phase for a little bit and update you all on a new journey, a new life, a new child.
I don’t want to go into too much detail with River’s birth or his time in hospital as I feel I need to really dedicate some time to that and go into a lot of detail. I feel like only over the last few days has it really hit me how scary it was and how it has affected me. There is too much to try to explain and I want to do it just right.
So, “Parenting After Loss” it still feels crazy writing it down or even talking about it but he’s three weeks old and I have been parenting him and I feel like I have discovered a whole new side of myself… I don’t know if that is always a good thing but I’m learning and flowing with it. I feel like parenting there is never anything particularly right about it but if you do something wrong that either the whole world will tell you or your baby will. Learning new things is like holding in my thoughts of “Will you just put your arm in the bloody sleeve” and on the outside I am like “oooh I know it’s so horrible getting dressed, if your please just put your arm in the sleeve I can give you a snuggle” I feel like this is probably really good anger management and self-control haha.
There are so many challenges that I talked about when I was pregnant with River that I was scared of happening or the way Dexy would now been seen in the world when he had an alive little brother. But I never in a million years would realise that parenting after loss would be this hard. Don’t get me wrong it is amazing, I love it but it is also very, very draining both emotionally and physically. The anxiety that something is going to happen to him is constantly there and yes I know every parent has it when they bring home their child but this is my first alive child and it’s bloody terrifying. I am constantly scared he’s going to die and I am so scared I will lose everything all over again but this time I would have more memories and I know what it is like to have a baby at home. I think I poke him when he’s sleeping more than when I was pregnant with him, he gives me this look of like “fuck off mum” but I know he probably doesn’t mind as I am doing it for his own good (or my sanity).
The timing of Phil going back to work, Dexy’s birthday and anniversary and just the general time of year has proved it also to be really hard. I sat on my lounge floor on sunday cradling River but also crying this gut wrenching cry because I wanted to hold Dexy like this, I wanted him to be here with us, I wanted to show him his little brother. I was crying because I was tired and I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be tired. I had wanted sleepless nights for so long and now I have them I’m exhausted. I wasn’t letting myself feel like that because I felt awful for wanting to sleep and wanting a break when I had spent the last year wanting Dexy here so I could have that. I made this insane rule in my head that I wasn’t allowed to want a break, I wasn’t allowed a moment of “will you just sleep” because how can I be like this when I moaned for so long about parents talking about how exhausted they were and now I get it, I get that it is fucking hard.
You realise how much of Dexy’s life you have missed and that is hard. Over the last three weeks River has changed so much, he has these adorable faces he pulls, he has a little personality that makes me die on the inside because it is so cute. It really does make you realise how much you have missed and will miss! I wonder just how crazy and hilarious Dexy would be now if he was here. It is so hard to smile and lap up his growth when in the back of your head you are mourning what would have been with Dexy.
Dealing with the fact that you want to shut yourself off with your family and friends, banning everyone from this time with him. I’m in such a love bubble that I just want us and no one else, I don’t even like going to the shop if I don’t have too! I think once he hits a month old I will be different but I’m just taking in all these moments with him and trying to work out everything going on, I stare at him for about 18 hours of the day! I’ve been lacking at answering emails and messages because if I’m not frantically cleaning up wee, poo or baby sick I’m trying to catch up on some Zs or watching Riverdale haha. I really should probably take note of this and start seeing people and getting a life.
I am going to write more about “parenting after loss” and do different topic related blogs on it so I don’t sound like I’m rambling! My brain is kinda everywhere at the moment from being tired and extremely hormonal haha!
Now to try and have a quick rest.
I hope you are all well?