“When” Turns Into “If”

If there is one thing I have noticed about my outlook on everything since Dexy died I never say “When” anymore. I have found that everything in my life is now so uncertain that I can’t be guaranteed anything. Through my whole pregnancy with with Dexy I was like “When I come and meet you from work the first time I got him this outfit” “when it is your birthday you can wear matching outfits” “When we bring him home” “when he is older”. Then BAM! In a split second there was no more when. It was replaced with never. “He’s never going to get older” “Dexy will never wear that outfit to meet you”. Everything was no longer going to happen and the only thing certain to happen was that he would never be older than he is now and he will never be born alive.

Over time I notice that it isn’t just talking about babies that I don’t say when for because really is anything set in stone? Am I going to make it to my next birthday? Am I going to die when I am 100? Am I going to be hit by a car tomorrow? One of the things that life teaches you when your baby dies is that life is just life and death will come and you just never know when. When you watch older people die it doesn’t really play that much on your mind about your life. They lived their life to the full after all and I guess everyone just assumes they will too!

Throughout this pregnancy I can’t take too much in detail about him coming home. I can’t plan the future with him and I certainly can’t be certain I will die before him. A lot of the time I find myself saying “If he comes home” “Imagine how cute he would look if he gets to wear this”. People are always telling us he will come home but then they also just assumed Dexy would too! I always think if I cross the road to go to the corner shop I will make it home but actually I could be hit by a car? Someone could kill me?

What I’m trying to say is nothing in my life has a sense or security or certainty that I can rely on. I can’t be 100% sure he will grow old and live a full life, it isn’t always the case. I can’t picture him coming home or living outside the hospital room because 1) I never got the chance to have more than that with Dexy and 2) If I feel he will certainly come home and he doesn’t I will punish myself over and over again just like I do over Dexy’s death. Maybe I jinxed it or tempted fate.

The satistic of having a stillbirth is higher if you have had once previously. So when you think about it the chance of Dexy being stillborn was incredibly low, my risk of stillbirth was near to nothing. I had a healthy BMI, I had no illness or health conditions that could affect him, he grew well, was perfectly healthy, no problems with my pregnancy, I didn’t smoke or drink through my pregnancy, I’m young and eat my 5 a day but yet he still died. He still died and it was the smallest chance to happen. So now my risk of it is happening again is higher, having complications is higher and I’m having a high risk pregnancy which if you think about it we should be more uncertain of this pregnancy that we were of Dexy’s. This baby has less of a chance than his perfectly healthy brother? So why am I not allowed to say “If” because even though stillbirth happens, baby loss happens. Because babies do die people like to still blur that bit out and only imagine that every baby born comes home. When actually Babies live, yes. Babies do also die.


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