When Dexy died I felt so isolated and scared, I had no one to talk to that has been through the same. Yes, there were similar “cases” but nothing exactly like mine. Being only 21 played a huge part in this because everyone I found online or through other people were a lot older than me. I was the only 21-year-old I knew of going through this. Over the first few months after Dexy dying I really struggled with lost and having no purpose. I felt stuck in a time where I was just reliving the worst days of my life, yet everyone around me was still living. Honestly, the first few months I didn’t even see a point of carrying on. I was broken, alone and terrified to carry on living when my son was not. So I started my blog, I created my safe space.
My safe space was somewhere that I could rant, I could talk about how I was feeling, I could talk about what I was finding hard and more importantly I could share Dexy in a way that kept him alive. When I first started my blog I loved writing all the time. Every day I would think of something new I wanted to talk about or share. I wanted to make my online journal capture every part of this. I wanted people to see how it really was and I wanted to find people like me. I did. I done exactly what I planned to do. I felt like a weight had been lifted and I didn’t have to bottle things up. My mental health dispite everything going on around me and in my life was actually pretty good. I felt good. I had people messaging me telling me I made them feel less alone, telling me their stories and sharing their children. For once in my life I actually felt like I found something I loved doing. I had created a place where people who have lost children felt safe and where I felt safe. I woke up everyday feeling like I had a purpose and I wanted to constantly write if I could. I would tell Phil when he got home from work about all these amazing people emailing me, talking to me on social media and leaving comments on here sharing their experience. I actually felt worth something in my life. I felt like a mum and I felt like Dexy was being kept alive.
Then it changed. Over the past few months no matter what I write about or how I word it I always have people turning it into something it was never meant to be. Having people threaten to put comments on my blog because “I’ve taken someones joy of having a baby away” or basically made to feel like I can’t talk openly about anything has hurt. I’m sure most of you haven’t realised but actually I don’t write as much on here anymore or do long captions on my instagram and social media anymore because honestly I don’t feel like I can. I’m actually in tears writing this because I’m so sad/scared/embarrassed to be writing about this. I started my blog so I could talk about anything I wanted to, so I didn’t go anymore downhill so I actually could let it out. It is so frustrating when you lose your child because no matter how great your friends and family are they don’t get it. They have their children and as much as they try they don’t understand in the slightest. Losing a baby or child isn’t like losing a grandparent, parent, partner or friend. Losing a baby is completely unnatural. I am meant to die before my child and instead they die before you and you’re just left there with no fucking clue how to carry on living. You have no identity or purpose. You have a really big chunk of you missing and no matter how many children you have after that, how many holidays you go on or how many balloons you release nothing can ever “heal” you or “fix” you. I am broken, I am forever broken because a large part of me left the moment I heard “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat”. My battle cry, my pain that I let out was nothing compared to the awful feeling I had in me. I lost everything in that 3 seconds and I know I will never bounce back from that.
I read some artical the other day about how a broken heart is real. You can actually experience physical pain with a broken heart and some people actually die from one. I guess in the long run some people find it too hard to carry on knowing that you can never be fixed. I started this blog because I couldn’t make sense of what was happening. The first steps I imagined in my lounge, watching them sleep when we first bring them home, their wedding, their children, their experiences were all gone. Everything I had imagined for Dexy and our life no longer existed. I was stuck between the past and the future but the future was my past and my past was my future. I planned to be a mum with a baby, not just us anymore but then I didn’t have a baby and it was just us again. Everything was ripped from me and I can never have it back. At 21 years old I learnt how awful life can be, I learnt how cruel the world can be and I learnt that I could write about it and I could feel safe. Safe in a place where everything in my life was so uncertain and so painful I had a place that I could pour my heart out and turn my tears into words.
In May I wrote a blog post that ruined everything for me. I didn’t know it then but I know it now. I’m not going to say which post because the people who know me know exactly which one I’m on about. People who don’t get what my blog is about and why I started it caused a lot of problems. Not only did my relationship get tested, Phil was cruelly punished and I lost my place. After that I have had so many of my blog post scrutinised and commented on from people who will never understand how our life is. I have had to deal with the constant battle of now I have no place or purpose. I loved my blog and I can only try to express how much it was helping me. So I bottled it up. I slowly started giving up. Everything I wanted to do with my blog was tarnished and I was so fucking angry at people that they took this from me. Everything I wanted to write about I felt scared too because I didn’t want to cause anymore drama. I just wanted to let it out. I wanted to let it out how hurt I was because people still kept living and I couldn’t. I have realised that I was never bitter or jealous over people I was just hurt and angry that they still got their day dreams of their child’s first day at school, they still get to have them grow up, smile, laugh and bring so much happiness to them. I thought I was jealous but in reality I was heartbroken I lost it all. There is something in knowing that you have to give your son his last kiss, his last cuddle and you look at them for the last time as you leave them in the hospital that breaks you. A baby that only looks like they are sleeping that you will never see wake up. There is pain in knowing that you will never kiss him again or smell his hair, you will never see his face get any older, or him get any wiser. You just leave him there. There is heartbreak in seeing people have everything that you no longer have. Then there is pain because people don’t see it like that.
My blog was to document my growth and my life with Dexy not being here. My blog was to keep him around so essentially I tucked him into bed when I posted and I would wake him back up when I wrote again. Dexy will never age but my grief gets older over time. He never will see the sun rise or watch the cars go down the road at night when he can’t sleep because he is full of cold. He will never have his tears wiped from him when he falls over or bangs his hand. He will never get wasted when he’s 16 in a park and his friends will have to call us. He will never make mistakes or fall in love. He will never know how your stomach feels when you go too fast in the car or what it is like to open the windows and feel like your flying. He will never learn to make paper aeroplanes or how to wind us up. He will never roll over or learn how to punch. But my blog kept him around me, he has helped people and if his short little life manages to only do that. I can say I’m a pretty proud mum. I want to make his life worth it. Whether that be through me moaning about people and have someone relate or share pictures of him so people can see he is just a baby. His life has changed me in so many ways I wish I could explain it all.
I lost my safe space for a while. I let people hurt me. I let the real world push my son and myself to the side. I let people’s thoughts when they have never gone through this kill my passion. I let the thought of never seeing people post his face on social media, people never saying his name, people never congratulating me over his birth or announcing it like any other baby destroy my passion. I let the world outside baby loss win and it shouldn’t. The real world and the baby loss world should be the same world. I don’t want to have to hide my feelings or worry about what I write because at the end of the day… This blog is for me, for mums and dads who can’t hold their babies and anyone, I mean anyone try to take that from us or myself is not worth it. It is my safe space and if anyone I mean anyone tries to take that from me again I wont let it.