Have you ever had a moment in your pregnancy that you were like “Fuck, this is really happening!” I remember exactly when that point was when I was pregnancy with Dexy. We had brought his pram and it was in our hallway and one morning when I left to go to work for some reason it hit me that I was actually having a baby and I would be using this pram daily. We obviously all know now that wasn’t the case as we never got to bring Dexy home. Well, we did but not in the way I had planned too. That’s the sad thing isn’t it. I’ve had that moment today and yet it isn’t quite the same. I am pregnant. I will give birth but I still might not get to use that pram.
I would just love right now to be counting down these last four weeks with excited and pure naivety but it isn’t like that any more. I can’t think like that. If only I knew that these last four weeks would be my last with Dexy I would have done so much more. I wish I washed more of his clothes, I wish I took his pram for a test run, I wish I just laid there and felt him wiggle because that’s the only time I would have with him alive. These last four weeks with this baby is hard. I want to be excited but the fear that it will happen again is just constantly there. I can’t escape it. I think I’m going to find these last four weeks harder than the whole pregnancy.
Today we had our last scan. Now the next appointment is for me to be induced. Now if Dexy had never died I wouldn’t know how much this last month could mean. This last month is hard because I don’t just want to wish it by so I can meet him because I done that and I never took in all the small moments and then it was too late. I’ve started washing some of his bits and even the thought of that is scary, I just want to be ready for anything. When we sat in the room with our consultant today and talked over everything he done nothing but comfort us and actually take how we are feeling seriously. He has given us options to use if it all just gets too much and he took the time to go into detail everything that will happen now.
The small things matter when pregnancy after loss becomes too much. You hold onto everything more than what I think you do in a “normal” pregnancy. Every tiny bit of good news or hope you just grip so tightly incase you wake up and it’s gone. Today we found out Little P is 4lb3oz. Now if this was Dexy I would think “Awww how cute” But this time round I’m thinking about everything. He chances if he is born now, what he would look like if he was stillborn, what clothes I would buy for him. Every single scenario goes through your head. It drives you insane. But today, when we found out he was weighing 4lb3oz that little bit of hope I’m gripping onto got a little bit bigger. It feels real. He has a weight, a weight means a baby.
I’m trying to embrace this last month. I really am. I have appointments to aim for, I have a list of jobs I need to complete and I have the hope to keep me going. I’m holding on. I just hoping we get there.