I’m The Trigger.

I remember when I saw a pregnant woman for the first time my heart went in my throat and I wanted to tell her how much I hated her for still having her baby alive in her. I wanted to take everything she had to look forward too and I wanted to destroy it. I wanted to tell her how my baby was dead and she is cruel for having a baby. For ages I felt the same. I hated people for having children, I hated people for being happy. Why do they all get to have their kids and mine is ash, in a box, on my shelf. Every time I saw pregnancy announcements or birth announcements I got so angry because that was meant to be me. I was meant to be having a congratulations. I was meant to have cards celebrating the birth of my son instead I had nothing other than sorry.

When I found out I was pregnancy with this one I was scared. I wasn’t just scared about being pregnant again but I was scared to announce it. Even though when I saw someone had lost their child and was pregnant again it still hurt. I was scared that I would upset people, I was scared people wouldn’t be able to talk to me because I was pregnant again. I wanted to be able to talk about it and I wanted to be able to be open but I was so conscious of other people’s feelings that I couldn’t even mutter that I was pregnant again.

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When it came to the time of announcing it I almost didn’t want to because I knew I would be hurting someone somewhere. I obviously knew why they were hurting because I have and still was there. Even though I was pregnant I still had the same feeling when I saw pregnant women or babies. I was still envious. Everyone was so lovely when we announced it but I still couldn’t stop thinking about how many people would be at home crying, having a glass of wine or anything to cope over seeing my photo and my announcement. I get it and I’m not offended I just wish none of us had to feel like this ever.

Throughout this pregnancy I have always tried to not moan publicly over anything that is painful or something that was getting to me during these last few months because I didn’t want people to think I was ungrateful and I didn’t want to upset people anymore than I have already. I’ve tried to be as open as possible with my blog posts and weekly pregnancy updates but I’ve also tried so hard to not be negative or make it a massive moan, I only ever try to be positive. With my weekly updates I feel a wave of guilt just before I post them every Sunday because I know that someone has lost their baby at the week I have posted or they are struggling to conceive. When Dexy died I saw people on social media who I had followed that were due around the same time as me and following them after my baby died and their pregnancy was going on longer than mine I couldn’t cope. How do they get to carry on with their countdown and mine has just stopped.I’m finding that I’m really stressing over the next couple of weeks because I’ve grown close to people over the internet that have lost their children at 31 and 32 weeks and I can only imagine how seeing that weekly update pop up must feel for them and I’m so sorry. I really wish you didn’t have to know this pain.

My bump as much as I love taking pictures of it and showing it off I always try to hide it in public or not post too much about it. I don’t know if there is going to be someone like me in costa. I don’t know if the couple having coffee in the corner are going through baby loss, I don’t know if the woman looking at baby grows in M&S  has lost her baby, I don’t know if the person staring at my bump is staring because they remember what it was like and now their baby is gone too. I’ve been all three of these people. I walked around Mothercare after Dexy died to look at the clothes he could have worn, to find the clothes he had. I’ve sat in a corner to avoid the babies and pregnant women and I have certainly been caught more than once staring at a baby bump with nothing but sadness in my eyes. I’ve been on both ends. I am both ends.

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I’m my own trigger, I’m the trigger before I got pregnant and now my whole life is a trigger. I understand the silence and the stares because I have been there. I am still there. I have hidden in the corner and left I’ve left shops because of people like me. I can’t blame you, I can’t blame me. I feel like I’m just conscious of everything now. I wish people saw me and knew that it isn’t as easy as just being pregnant. I’ve been through the worst. I still am going through the worst. If you’re angry at me I fully understand. If you can’t look at me I really do understand. You won’t hurt me, I just really wish I didn’t hurt you.

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