We all know I love a bitch and a ramble. I’ve kind of got to the point in my grief that I just want to call people out on their bullshit. I want to not just sit and nod my head as they talk or type utter shit but to actually be like “You know what, you really don’t get it”. I always find myself torn because on one hand I want to just scream at people, stand my ground and let them know they are talking utter bullshit. On the other hand, I can’t. I can’t because I don’t want to upset people (even though they are causing me upset). I don’t want to put barriers up and I also don’t want the drama. Since January 1st of this year I have learnt a lot about people who I thought I knew. I have also been proved right with many people also. But the sentence that can be applied to all of this is “You just don’t get it” because no one does. You don’t get it if you have never lived it. You don’t get it if you have all of your children with you. You don’t get it if you are not a bereaved parent. Life after loss is frustrating. I honestly can say I lose my shit about 5 times a day over people’s ignorance and just plain stupidity. Oh the things I could talk about that have happened since Dexy died we could be here for years.
I often find that I isolate myself from family and friends because of the whole “they don’t get it”. I’m lucky, I have Phil who is always 99% of the time on the same page as me. We talk about everything. If you don’t have someone like this after you lose a child then I really don’t know how you do it. Whether it be a partner, family member or friend who supports you it is something you need. Phil and I have had so many conversations about cutting people out who really don’t do any good for us. About how family members have blocked me but still ask Phil how the baby is? I find this disrespectful seeing as I’m the one growing this child. But as we have said if they don’t respect us both and equally then they will have nothing to do with us. It is exactly the same with Dexy and this baby. If you can talk about a baby that is still growing inside of me easier than a fully grown baby who has died then you don’t get it. You don’t get that they are equal because quite frankly neither of them have ever taken a breath outside the womb. You can’t claim you treat everyone the same when you never even breathe the name of Dexy because you don’t get it. I’ve had to listen to so many things since Dexy died from people who make it about themselves where I just want to rip my eyes out. I’ve mentioned previously in my posts about something that happened a few days after Dexy died. This person caused a massive ripple in everything that even now it is still going. They made it about themselves because they don’t get it. Even now I still stand by that I don’t ever want to see this person again and Phil understands that because he also knows that they don’t get it. Why would you purposefully hurt two grieving parents and the family that is supporting them and letting them live in their house. Even now writing about it makes my blood boil but that is the harsh reality that people are so bloody clueless and ignorant that they will never “understand” or “get it”.
I wrote a blog post a good few months back that didn’t go down well with certain people and the amount of abuse I got from one family member was outrageous. She was messaging me such vile things at 3am, threatening to post crap on my blogs (what she didn’t realise was I moderate all my comments so she wouldn’t have been able too). She was telling me I have no life experience and I’m not the only woman in the world who has lost a baby and why do I feel so entitled to talk about my story. A perfect example of someone who doesn’t get why I write my blog for people to feel less alone who have lost a child. Because we have to all deal with people like this. But now that I am pregnant again she’s tried crawling back into our lives which I simply shut down because you can’t do that and get away with it. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t be vile to a bereaved mother because she spoke her feelings and then try to crawl back when there is another baby involved. Like what the fuck?
It’s exactly the same as if you can’t light a candle for Dexy for the wave of light, wish Phil a happy fathers day or wish me and happy mothers day but yet you can ask about this baby then you also don’t get it.
I have found this hilarious because just as I’m writing this a woman has commented on my post on instagram where I’m discussing what I want to do for Dexy’s birthday. Starting it off with “I don’t want to sound like an inconsiderate dick but…” basically is you saying you don’t get it. I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy but I would love for people to live our life with Dexy dying just for a couple of days. Just so you can see how hard it really is. How hard it is knowing people will never get it or understand how much pain they cause. I feel like I have to constantly remind myself that it is their problem and not mine. But it’s hard when you feel like it is a constant fight.