I write about the good days, bad days and how I embrace them but I never really write about them when I’m actually having or coming out of one. Today was hard, no denying, I just couldn’t face today. I needed to shut myself off and just stay close to Dexy. So here I am, sharing my life with all you guys. Normally it is the highs but today it is the low.
Waking up and the first thought that pops in your head that you are shit mum is not the way I wanted to start my day. Constantly feeling like that is tiring, it is hard work. I have to try to work out why I am feeling like that and sometimes I don’t want to face it. Normally it is along the lines that I don’t feel like I do enough for him or I don’t try hard enough to keep him alive when I know I try my hardest all the time. These feelings eat you up from the inside. I can’t stop them and in some way I don’t want too. They make me feel like every other mum. I can recall my mum saying how much she tires and it is never enough a few times and I feel like her. I feel like my neighbour with the baby, I feel like a “proper” mum. Then it hits and I realise I am not. They can hug their children and see that their kids are doing just fine. They grow up and knowing that they actually grow up they can see they have done everything right. What do I have? His ashes on his shelf can’t tell me I’m doing a good job. I can’t see a cheeky smile after a long day of him crying and fussing. I won’t be able to see him on his wedding day and smile knowing I have raised him well and he is now in love with someone who also thinks he is a smasher. I can’t watch him learn from his mistakes because the learning from them is my reassurance I have done a good job. But here I am with nothing. No proof of doing a good job.
I have no baby to cuddle with that will make me feel better and I have no child to watch have fun in the park to just hear their laugh. I have mum guilt over everything. More so then probably mums that have children here with them. I feel guilty if I don’t talk about him for five minutes, I feel guilty if someone refuses to say his name and I feel guilty if people don’t want to see his photo because he has done nothing wrong in order for people to feel like that. I feel like I have to apologise to him for the way the world works or the way people are careless. I have to apologise to him when people have a conversation with me and only mention his little brother and not him. I feel guilty over that.
So this morning, I woke up feeling like the shittest mum in the world and I told Phil. Phil is amazing with stuff like this because he highlights everything I do for him and when I say what I feel I haven’t done he helps me do it. Phil is one of these people who you only have to look at for five minutes and he makes you feel instantly at peace. That’s one of the reasons I want to be with him forever because no matter what shit life throws at us he is always there with his adorable little face and sense of humour and I’m okay. Today he proved just how amazing he is and came home with balloons for us to release. Something we have never done since Dexy died but we both have wanted too. I dragged my arse out of bed and had a shower (something I probably was in need of) and I got ready. I carried the balloons in one hand and his strength in the other and we walked along the seafront. We found the perfect quiet place for us to have some photos, say some words and let them go. I let them go because they hold our love. I’m not religious, I’m far from it but I like to think he is somewhere. Somewhere safe with our loved ones and somewhere that he can see us. I like to think the balloons will reach him, not the object of the balloon but just our feelings to him. To let him know that we will always love him and as parents we really do try our best. It is tiring being a mum. I may not be kept up at night, covered in shit and sick or even stressed because my pram wont work. But I’m tired of having so much love to give to him but not being able to physically give him.
This blog is pointless but I needed to let you know that I’m not hiding the bad days by not writing on them. I’m not masking them with happy posts or talking about how much he helps me. I’m writing this because I’ve been in bed all day. I’ve been in bed wanting to be alone. I’ve been in bed craving my son and knowing I can never hold him again. Life after loss is hard. It is shit and hard, I will never deny that. But there are moments in this shit storm that remind me I am doing enough. I am being the best mum I can. I am just like every other mum. Just I have to send balloons to kiss my son goodnight not just walk over the other side of the room. I think I’m okay and okay you can be with that.
Here is some photos from this evening.