If you met me four years ago you would have been greeted by a completely different version of myself. I would probably be either recovering from a night out or getting ready to go out. I loved a party and before Phil partying is all I ever done. Trust me working 40+ hours a week and fitting a hectic social life around that (Hectic I mean spending every day in the pub.) was fun. I hardly every slept and just lived free. When I met Phil I really had no purpose to my life. I was just this 18-year-old girl with no direction and no plans. I had ideas but they were never anything more than just a 15 minute thought. I thought I might like to get married and be a mum but even that was never fully in the plan. Then I met Phil. Then everything changed.
Phil was this “cool” (He really isn’t now I’m married to him) older guy who seemed to know what he wanted. He had a flat which meant I could move into and find myself. Over time partying became less important and buying furniture and nice food was my priority. We moved into a “Proper” flat and everything changed even more. We were engaged and planning a wedding, clubs turned into coffee shops and life just seemed to be evening out more. My mental health was good, I was on medication and Phil was encouraging and supportive of the help I was getting. Then children came up. We had talked about it right from the start. The second date if I remember correctly it came up briefly. But the conversation of kids REALLY came up. Like let’s try for a baby. I always imagined this to be scary but it just felt so right. I knew we were ready.
After months of late periods and negative tests it really started to take its toll on me. I was desperate for a baby and it just wasn’t happening. Then our wedding came around and little did I know I was actually pregnant on our wedding day. On the honeymoon I was feeling different but I was convinced and so was Phil that it was just the stress of the wedding and flying (I’d never been on holiday with a guy before and I don’t know why but it was something I couldn’t get my head around – Haha). When we returned two days later I couldn’t move. I was in agony, it was a million times worse than any period and then it happened. We had a miscarriage. For such a happy time and we should be madly in love enjoying the last moments of our time together before we go back to work but instead I had put our miscarriage in the fridge incase we needed to take it to the DRs (I don’t know what you’re meant to do as you never get told.) and I was crying on the bed following the confirmation. At that moment I realised I really wanted to be a mum.
9 months later Dexy was “made”. This was by far the happiest I had ever been in my life. We got to our 12 week scan and seeing him made me change. Everything in my life became about him. I sorted out mental health support for my pregnancy, got put on different medication to keep me level and every thought I had was for him. Every time I went into town I would buy him a little something. Every bath wasn’t for me to relax but to watch the water drip down my belly and watch him kick it off. I wanted him more than anything in this world. I wanted us to be a family.
The day Dexy died I felt robbed of that. My whole life that I had been planning for the last few months was now gone. What was the point for my existence? My purpose? I laid in bed for weeks wondering what the point was now? Where am I meant to go from here?
Dexy’s life couldn’t just end with the sentence “There is no heartbeat”. His life couldn’t be ignored as well as cut short. Why should I? So I started to share him more, I started telling his story, I started my blog. This was only meant to be one or two posts so I could tell people who he died and how he matters but it turned into so much more. He has lived through this. This has shown not the milestones that I would have liked, like his first smile or him rolling over. It has shown the milestones of Dexy’s and my relationship, our mother and son bond. I have fought for his existence, I have helped parents and most importantly he has been known. A boy who years ago would have been ignored but now I can break the taboo around his life. He has given me a purpose for my life. Something I once never had, then got, then lost but now I realise it never was really gone. It just changed.
If I could list all of the ways Dexy saved me I would be here for years! He taught me how strong I am. Not through him dying but him living for 36 weeks. He taught me that Phil is the kindest most amazing person I have ever met. He taught me my life is so much more than I could ever imagine. He’s given me a reason to smile, a reason to love, a reason to fight but more importantly a purpose and to keep on living. My son, my son that died has taught me more than the world could ever imagine. He gave me his life and in return I give him all of mine.