Throughout your pregnancy you will always be reminded of your pelvic floors, “You need to act as though you are stopping your wee mid piss”. You are told to look out for signs of prenatal depression or any thoughts and behaviours out of character. Not too much caffeine, especially before a scan. Don’t exercise too much but make sure you do enough. You have all these rules to stick by to look after yourself and you have these lovely reminders during your whole birth and after. But what happens when them reminders stop because your baby died?
After Dexy died I can’t name one time a medical professional told me to do my pelvic floors, what too look out for or my general wellbeing. I learnt it all by myself. I had no 6 week check up so I had no one to ask if the bleeding I was still having was normal, whether my piles would take long to go down, the graze on my urethra was healing okay and more importantly that I was coping? Postnatal depression still happens when your baby dies. Baby blues still happens when your baby dies. Feeling alone, tired and exhausted still happens when your baby dies.
I’ve said in my previous blogs that I have a really good mental health team, but what would happen if I didn’t have that? What would happen if I wasn’t already in the loop? Would I be passed off as not in need of support and check ups just because my child never took a breath? If it wasn’t for meeting other Mums online and being able to ask them questions I wouldn’t know that was I was going through with my bleeding wasn’t normal, I wouldn’t know that it is okay to sink a bottle of wine and cry all night. I’ve been shown that whatever I need to do is okay (as long as I’m not harming myself or others). If there was no community here on social media I would be lost.
The point of this blog is not a reminder of pelvic floors or not to exercise for 6 weeks. It isn’t about when you are medically fit or what you need to do. It is a reminder that you need to look after yourself.
No matter what you need to do don’t let people tell you otherwise. If you need to drink a couple of vodkas or go for a 6 hour-long walk do it. If you need to block everyone on social media do it. This is the worst thing that can ever happen and you know what? You need to put yourself first. Sometimes you need to just tell people to stick it in order to find peace again. I’ve literally just sat in a bubble bath and taken a good half an hour maybe 45 minutes to myself. To reconnect with what I need to remind myself of and that is that I matter. My whole life now is changed. Not for the better but not for the worst either, it is has just simply changed. Loosing Dexy I lost myself. I lost who I was, where I was going and what I needed. I cared so much about the hurt and pain everyone else was in I forgot to let myself feel my own pain.
I have found out who my true friends are and ones that are flakes. I have a good circle of people around me that tell me to get my arse out of bed, care for me and make sure I am looking after myself. I have a partner that is supportive of what I need to do and I am with him. You need to surround yourself with people who kick you up the butt but also to support you and let you do you.
P.S if people don’t let you be you… You have my permission to tell them to jog on.
P.P.S Do your pelvic floors.