Never Having Closure.

When someone died you expect them to have a cause of death, a reason to be taken from you. I never knew people especially babies could died without a cause and somehow I still can’t get my head around it. I feel like you need closure on a death to fully accept what has happened.

When Dexy died I was convinced it was my fault. I was convinced I had somehow managed to kill my son without ever knowing. I blamed myself for the weeks after his death until we had his post-mortem. I was punishing myself because I had the be the reason he died as it was my job to grow him, nourish him and protect him. I felt like a complete and utter failure. When the day came round to find out why he died I was still convinced right up until our consultant spoke that it was my fault.

No cause of death. How? What the actual fuck? When he told us the results of his post-mortem and went into detail over everything, explaining what each test meant and what they were looking for, his weight and how the placenta was and there was nothing to indicate he died of anything it was hard. He went into the tests I had and all of my pregnancy notes, examinations I have had and my previous medical history there was nothing that would cause him to die. It wasn’t my fault. But it still was?! How could I not be able to keep my baby alive and keep my baby safe when that was what my body is designed for. I had failed him. Our consultant reassured me that this was the case in many stillbirths, their little hearts just stop.

Since that moment of not getting an answer I tried to go over everything I done in my pregnancy, what I done that night and if I could have done anything differently and there was nothing. I done everything by the book. I was a first time mum that read a lot of books and articles and done everything they suggested. Maybe it was just bad luck? But how could bad luck mean this? The saying “Everything happens for a reason” is bullshit. This happened and it didn’t have a bloody reason.

Even now in this pregnancy I don’t know what I need to monitor or what I need to look out for because there was nothing wrong in the first place. He was a healthy chunky baby and even if this one is the same how can I stop it happening again? Why will everything plan out right when it didn’t for Dexy.

I know it is awful to feel this way but when I see parents that announce how their baby died and how they knew for a while they were going to I feel jealous. I hate to admit it and it does sound dreadful but I do get jealous they have something to blame for taking their baby. They get to be angry at something and they get to tell people why they died when I have to say “He just died”. I want to be angry. I want something to blame. I want something to say why he died. I want people to understand what they need to look out for but I can’t tell them too look out for something that doesn’t exist. I’m more angry over the fact my son died for no reason than I am if it would have been my fault. I spent six weeks already blaming myself so what difference would a lifetime had made? Now I just have to sit and wonder. Wonder if it will happen again to my babies. Wondering if it was really me. Wondering if it could have been prevented. Wondering why he isn’t here right now.

I’ve come to terms that I will never find out but I haven’t come to terms with the fact my baby died for no reason. There are many people in this world whose babies have less of a chance of survival and they live. I think I’m still just angry at the world and I don’t think that will ever go, I’ll just learn to suppress it.

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