Wish people “Happy Birthday”. I have had a few close friends and family have birthdays since Dexy died. One of them being Phil’s 30th birthday. I struggled. I struggled to buy him gifts, cards, planning a night out and even just wishing him “Happy Birthday”. I feel it is because of a number of contributing factors and not just one simple thing:
A) Dexy should be here celebrating with us and we should be including him into our celebratory plans.
B) Dexy will never have a birthday here with us.
C) Why should I celebrate people and myself ageing when my son never will.
There are many more but I think these are the main ones. I have my best friends sons’ first birthday coming up in the next couple of weeks and while I have brought him presents and a card I just can’t bring myself to write the two letter sentence that now brings so much sadness.
Congratulating big life events. Babies, engagements, weddings, getting a dog or simply moving house. As much as I am happy for them I just can’t express it. I feel as though I’m letting people’s lives move on whilst I’m still stuck in the same place. I know I’m pregnant, moved house and other various life events have happened I just feel like I’m stuck emotionally on the day Dexy died. It is really hard to see people excited over something I know doesn’t always happen. We moved because the pain of living somewhere that we were meant to bring our son home too was awful! Knowing he would never sleep in that bedroom with us or have a bath in that bathroom was a constant reminder of what had happened. Moving into the flat opposite was comforting because we were still close to him and his home but also it was a fresh start to not wake up and the first thing you see in the morning (or in my case mainly the afternoon) is the empty space where his cot, toys and changing table was all laid out waiting for him.
Biting my tongue. On many occasions my blog or something to do with what I have talked about on social media hasn’t always gone down well with certain family members and I’ve been made to feel like I shouldn’t express my grief, my pain or more importantly call people out on their bullshit. Before Dexy died/was born I used to let a lot on my feelings just stay inside of me and not really stand up for myself. But since Dexy died it’s like a switch that has flicked in my head and I really don’t give a fuck what I say. Why should I not call people out on their crap, stand up for my son’s existence or cut people out because they don’t deserve my kindness/respect. I’d quite happily tell everyone who I’m not that keen on to fuck off. Why should people be able to shit all over me and not give my son the time of day and get away with it? LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
Be optimistic. I spent 36 weeks and 5 days of my pregnancy preparing, loving and expecting to bring my baby home. In the space of a few hours between 4am and 10am on new years day that was taken from me. It was taken from me with no reason. How can you be optimistic when your perfectly healthy baby dies and you will never find out why. He was meant to come home but he didn’t. That is the reality. Any pregnancy can end up like that and losing a baby so late on in pregnancy takes away any happiness or hope with life. This baby I’m pregnant with right now I can never say it will come home because the harsh truth is it might not. Even with the chance of bringing him home is higher than not I still can’t guarantee I will, no one can. The sweet naivety of pregnancy is gone and you are left with this cold, raw and brutal approach to it. It isn’t all “I can’t wait to bring him home and watch him grow up” it is now “Right one day at a time. If he comes home great. If he doesn’t we have been through this before and I know we will be okay.” That’s how It is. Any slight bit of happiness and optimism is replaced with guilt, fear, anxiety and more importantly preparing for another worst day of your life.
5. I can’t let people ignore the fact I am a mum. When I get told that when I come back to work it will be different after this baby is born because I’ll be a mum really fucking cuts deep. Just because my child never cried doe not mean he never existed. Having people never post photos of my son or even talk about him kills me all over again. People referring to the fact this baby will make me a mum and that I am not already. Sorry if your sister died and you were both in your 20s does that make you not a sister anymore? No. Just because you can’t see my son doesn’t give you the right to not label me a mum. In fact I have cared for my son more than many other mums who don’t give a fuck about their kids. I make sure my son is shared with the world just so he lives in all of you and you can all see who and how much he matters in this world.