1. It is pretty much a split 50/50 of whether you will be counted as a mother or not.
The people who see you as a mum are normally incredibly supportive, open-minded, understanding and they either have been through it themselves or know someone who has. I say that but then they may just not be a complete idiot and actually see how the world works and that people are parents whether you can see their children or not.
The people who don’t see you as a mum are normally quite shallow, have no understanding of the world, don’t accept what really happens in the world and is just plain ignorant. I have multiple comment regularly about how the baby I’m pregnant with will make me a mum. I have been told numerous times that I will one day be able to become a mummy. I have to bite my tongue in most of my responses as they probably will backfire on me but really I just want to tell them this… “Carrying a baby for 36 weeks and 5 days, be kicked in the ribs constantly for weeks on end, have no sleep because everything aches, go through hours of labour, push a hench baby out your fanny, have a haemorrhage, multiple infections, not be able to poo because your vagina feels like it will fall out of you. Go through all of that and then say I’m not a mum again. you ignorant fuck.” But really I just sit there and read it and ignore it because it just isn’t worth my time. One day they will realise and they will feel stupid as fuck.
2. You can’t talk about babies dying but you can talk about many other disturbing topics without anyone battering an eyelid.
When Dexy died I realised soon after that no one really talks about this side of life. No one even whispers the words “Their baby was stillborn” but yet as soon as I turn on the news I guarantee you that there will be a story on a child being murdered by their parents, paedophiles, murder and old people being robbed and beaten. I’m not being funny but I would much rather listen to someone talking about their baby that was stillborn and them show me pictures then to listen to any of them other stories. The thought of all them topics makes me feel physically sick and I never want to hear any of it. So I’ve been thinking… How come I can hear about these topics daily, talk to people about them and see them on the front page of national newspapers but the thought of my son who was stillborn makes them shudder. It really irritates me that a baby isn’t acceptable to talk about but beating old Dorris up down the road just to steal her wedding ring is? It’s completely delusional.
3. “The situation” Sentence.
Everyone or nearly everyone I have spoken to has heard their child be referenced as a situation. As I said above, people find it so hard to talk about. I have had meetings or conversations where the words “Baby”,”Stillborn”,”Son”, or “Dexy” haven’t even been brought up. I’ve had to sit there and listen to my son be referred to as a situation because the person talking doesn’t even feel comfortable talking about him. I always have said this phrase “Five minutes of being uncomfortable is nothing compared to my lifetime of it.” Every single day I have to feel uncomfortable to cater for other people but they can’t even bare 15 minutes of it. What do they think I go through?
4. Support from people you don’t know or didn’t know cared.
When Dexy died the people who I thought would stick by me didn’t. Some didn’t even turn up to his funeral. My friends I spoke to every day never messaged me again. It’s so isolating losing a baby. But what I will say is that you find people in places that you didn’t know existed . I have made so many friends and met so many people to talk to openly and with no judgement since Dexy died. Every single day I meet someone new. Whether that be by me following them on social media or them messaging me as they have gone through this too. I have become best friends with a girl I knew when I was a teenager and we grew apart and now we are like sisters. I have made good friends with other parents that if Dexy and their children never died we never would have met. I have had so much kindness from strangers all across the world that share Dexy’s name on sand or on paper in amazing places. Social media has had a massive part to play in me finding my feet again. If it wasn’t for being able to talk to these people and connect with them I just know I would be in a much lower place than I am now.
5. Feeling like I belong and my son matters.
When you think back 20 years or even just 10 years so much has changed. Yes, we still have a long way to go but the fact that we can even talk about our children and our parenthood just show how far society has come to accept it. 5 years ago if I was going through this I never would have posted about it on social media or even thought about starting a blog. The fact that I can connect with hundreds of people and feel like I matter is amazing. Of course I have my problems with society and the way they view my son but there is also so many great people out there that just get it. I wake up every morning to many messages from people who have connected with what I have written or just want to understand more about baby loss. If it wasn’t for the slow acceptance in general with people I would never have been able to show him off. We have many things to learn but there are more people than you know slowly changing the way people think. I’m just so proud to be a part of that.