He’s Not Lost. He’s Dead.

I don’t know if it is just me but I HATE it when medical professionals call our babies a pregnancy loss during any appointment. If you haven’t lost a child and are unsure what I mean I will try to explain how easy it is for them to call your child by their name.

I don’t really know the process with a “late-term miscarriage” or an “early miscarriage” but I do know for certain a “stillborn” baby gets a sticker on your notes saying when your baby was born and it is meant to have their name on it so professionals can call them by their name. I also know when you are pregnant again after loss in the front of your new maternity notes you write down how many children you have (dead or alive) you also write the gestation they were born, whether they were healthy or had died, their weight, their date of birth, their sex and believe it or not THEIR NAME.

So now I have cleared that up you would assume there was no need for someone to not say their name or know anything about them.

So lets travel back in time to Monday the 30th July 2018….. *Weird Music*

So my midwife had booked us in to go see my consultant to discuss over my pregnancy plan, induction and what I need from the hospital. Phil and I were actually excited to go because it’s another step in the right direction (I hate that saying because pregnancy/loss/PAL has no bloody direction it is all over the god damn place). We had our questions planned and were ready to come out of this appointment feeling positive and relieved. The outcome was the furthest thing away from feeling positive after it.

Firstly I would like to say that I am really grateful for the NHS they saved my life after I gave birth and they have truly been amazing! It is purely just down to this one individual who was a complete idiot and should probably not be having meetings with parents like us.

When we got called in it wasn’t by our consultant it was by a registrar. This was the first bit that pissed us off. When we got into her room the first thing she said was Mr **** is the head consultant and hopefully if I do my job well enough I can take his job in three years time (great now how is that related to my children). Phil and I just looked at each other with the expression of “WTF are we doing here?”. The next thing she said was even better! “Your notes are quite lengthy, so I see you had a pregnancy loss at 38 weeks” *ANGER INSIDE BUILDS UP* “No. Our son Dexy died at 36+5”. She then flicked back through my notes and agreed that he died at 36+5. She rambled on about how this was to reassure us and help with any anxieties and questions we might have. So I asked her about the induction process for me at 36 weeks this time as we had agreed that with my mental health team, my midwife and it even got brought up in Dexy’s postmortem. “We don’t do inductions on healthy pregnancies under full term which is 37 weeks.” To which I looked at Phil again and I could see him raging. I proceeded to explain why I have discussed with other professionals and they have said it is okay as Dexy was perfectly healthy and massive there would be hardly any risk. Again she used the term pregnancy loss to which I replied “Our son, Dexy” and she just ignored it. Why it got me so much was if you were going to an appointment involving your Mum and Nan’s death the Dr wouldn’t be like “Yes, I see you recently lost an 84-year-old”. Like it doesn’t work like that! You wouldn’t get away with saying that! It’s because “Baby Loss” is a subject no one wants to talk about. If they give the baby a name it means it is a real baby and they can’t deal with it. They cannot deal with a snippet into what our lives are like even for a 15 minute appointment. If they can’t do that then they shouldn’t be in this field. How she ended the meeting was by saying my consultant only deals with pregnancy loss and people who have lost a child… Ok what are we?

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The next day I had my midwife appointment and I explained to her what had happened and how we left completely deflated and how we just don’t know where we stand with anything anymore and she was fuming. She arranged for us to go back to the hospital on Monday 6th to see our consultant and this time we will actually see him and if anyone else calls our name then I am  to refuse to see them.

When we arrived they were running late so we were just sat in the waiting room and then the registrar called my name and I was like no im here to see MR **** and no one else and she put my file back down. Then ten minutes later she came back out and called my name and I was like no (Does she not remember my name? or just plain ignorant?). We then got called into Mr **** room and we explained everything and before I even done that he said Dexy’s name. No prompting, no hinting, he just came straight out and talked about him like any other baby! The smile on my face I think said everything. Just to hear my Son’s name without mentioning it first was the best feeling. He does exist and not only to us. We spoke about what happened the week before and he told us it wasn’t right as they do induce under 37 weeks they just have to take everything into account. As Dexy was also a BIG and perfectly healthy baby they have no reason to worry. I will be having growth scans every four weeks and I will only be seeing him and he put it on my file that I am only to see him. You know when you feel like finally the world gets it and that you don’t have to fight for anything anymore and it all falls into place? Well that is how it feels. We spoke about my induction and we are going to all play it by ear and he read my mental health reports and we are going to look at everything and come up with a loose plan as we can change it at any time we want.

To say we left on a high is an understatement. To have your baby spoken about like any other baby, to be listened too and have someone read your notes properly is amazing. Yes we have had some shit people like the Dr who asked if he was kicking and moving okay just before I gave birth. The midwife who didn’t listen that I only came home with his stillbirth certificate and then asked to see the baby. We have finally be given someone who cares, you can tell he cares just by the way he talks about Dexy, this baby and us.

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