Why Am I Still Jealous?

I said when I announced this pregnancy that it wouldn’t be really making an appearance on here unless it was related to Dexy or stillbirth in some way. This is the aftermath of something that no one should ever go though and most people don’t. It’s isolating, it’s painful and it takes every part of you apart and puts it all back together in a really fucked up way.

When we agreed to start trying again after Dexy died I knew I would be faced with both mental and physical struggles but I did not imagine that it would be as hard as this. I feel like I have become more jealous over time and everything makes me hate the world a little bit more everyday. I can’t stand being around people who are pregnant and I don’t want to be near babies that are younger than what Dexy would be. It’s too hard to see people with untainted happiness and bundles of joy in their arms.

Bump

Every time someone announces they are pregnant and have not struggled to have a baby I just want to scream at them and tell them that their baby could die. When they post bump updates, photos of what they have brought and express how excited they are I just want to shake them and be like 1 in 4 pregnancies and babies who have just been born die in the UK. So what makes them think their baby is going to come out screaming? We all know why. We know because we were once them. We once planned for our children’s lives. We pictured them in the outfits we brought. We pictured them in their pram all snuggled up. What we didn’t know was this whole other world. We didn’t know how terribly wrong being pregnant or having a baby could go.

Bonding is a hard one when everyday you wake up thinking “Today is the day that they will die” Like what sort of life is that? What sort of life is it that you know your baby can die at any stage of pregnancy and after being born. You have to surround yourself with people who get it but sometimes people don’t and they try too and that’s just as helpful as… Well it isn’t. You have to hold onto anything that you can. You hold onto the morning sickness or the tiredness. You hold onto being able to buy something and in that split second you think they might actually come home. You hold onto getting to the next scan and seeing them move but you also know how they can look when they don’t. You try to come up with names just to make this baby feel more real and like it is going to stay.

You also are greeted by guilt. Guilt for preparing for a new baby when your son died. You feel guilt that you don’t love this baby as much as you did your son. Guilt that if they died why did you put them through it as well. Guilt for the future, that you might buy this one a prom dress but you didn’t even get to see your sons first steps or even hear him cry. I feel guilty for the fact that I have pushed so many people away who have had babies or are pregnant because it hurts that they get to keep their future, they get to tell them they love them when they tuck them in at night. Guilt because you throw everything you had with them people away because it hurts that they get all the happiness and you don’t. I feel guilty over the fact that I have a scan photo up of this baby and Dexy is not my only child anymore. I’m guilty for not loving but also guilty of loving too much.

HannahPontillo_DexiPontillo_060118 (15)

These last two weeks I haven’t been doing so hot. I know that. I embrace that. But tomorrow, maybe in a month there will be a moment that I will hold onto. Whether that be me calling them by their name, when I find out their gender and get excited, when I learn to accept that I might bring a baby home. But today I am pregnant. Today is good enough for me.

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