Being A Young Bereaved Mum.

I done a night of questions over my Instagram story where people can ask me anything on the topic that I have suggested. I really wanted to cover the whole “young mum” situation on it as I know a lot of my followers are under the age of 30 (This is according to my insights, so you lot better not be lying about your ages! Haha) and also that most of my followers are parents. So I thought screw it I’m just going to throw myself into the deep end and get this topic started.

The questions and feedback were not what I was really expecting. Aside from the questions I had a lot of mums messaging me about the way they have been treated because they are the same age as me or younger but also the amount of women saying the amount of people who treat them differently because they are an older mum. I’ve decided now that there is no right age to be a mum because someone has always got a bone to pick and they always think they are right.

As Phil is older than me and when Dexy was born I was 21 and Phil was 29 the way we both got spoken too was completely different. I’m not meaning by our family and friends but just people in general. Phil was met with compassion and understanding that he is a father but his baby had died. I felt like my grief was disregarded as because I was young people love to try to put a positive on it (really please don’t do this and if you have… never say it again.) they would use phases like “You’re so young, you have plenty of time to be a Mum”, “I wouldn’t rush it, you still have plenty of time” my all time favourite is “You’re young you can just try again”. Now I hope that me explaining why these are wrong can be ignored because you already know but if you don’t understand what the harm is in saying that then please stay with me whilst I’ll write a “What not to say for dummies”

Reasons 1:
“You’re so young, you have plenty of time to be a Mum”. I will break this sentence up. Young, yes but age does not make my grief less. Plenty of time to be a Mum. Hmm how can I say this? I think if you carry a child in you for 36 weeks, give up nice looking ankles, perk boobs, and your vagina… Then you are a mum. If you bring a baby into this world whether they are 12 weeks or 36 weeks you are their mum. There is no “time to be a mum” because that’s like saying you are not walking when you are walking to the bus stop.. how can you be not be something that you already are?

Reason 2:
“I wouldn’t rush it, you still have plenty of time” this sentence and the next one are pretty much the exact opposite. I know I shouldn’t be in a rush but I do want another baby and when I decide to that is the right time for me. Plenty of time? Really? I can be 21 years old and have a stillborn or a healthy baby or I could be 56 with no biological children of my own but I am left my Niece or Nephew in a will. Becoming a parent has no time limit. There are mums and dads that adopt in later life, you might fall pregnant at 44 or you might become a step parent at 70. I hate this whole concept of time and I hate that women are made to feel like they have a biological clock. I don’t open my legs and have a timer down there!

Reason 3:
“You can just try again” Sometimes it isnt’ as easy as that. It took months and months of negative pregnancy tests and a miscarriage to get pregnant with Dexy. I will have to say we were incredibly lucky to get pregnant so quickly afterwards and I do really count my blessings for that I just don’t think you should say this shit to people.

It’s not just being a young mum that has its struggles, it is being any mum. A single mum who uses a sperm donor would face criticism. A “clinically obese” mum will be judged for her appearance and constantly reminded of the dangers of her weight. A mum that is married to another woman will be ask where they get their fatherly figure from but how many people do you know that don’t have a dad but look up to someone else. An older mum will be constantly reminded of her age when she looks around her or people make the mistake of being an aunt or Nan. I just don’t understand why age, how you look, who you are married to or why you are a single mum mean anything to anyone else other than ourselves.

 

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