I know, I know, I have been completely shit with posting on my blog recently but I have been so busy and when I do have five minutes I usually take full advantage of that and have a nap! So I thought I would treat you all to a little life update of everything as a whole. I just wanted to take the time and talk about projects that I’m doing to do with baby loss, to talk about my pregnancy a bit, and to just give you all a glimpse into my extremely boring life!
Everything To Do With Baby Loss.
When Dexy died we were really fortunate that we had a cold cot to put him in, this meant we could have visitors and not rush people in and out to see him. It also meant that we got to make special memories with him and spend time with him not feeling like we only have a few hours. Having the cold cot meant that we could spend a few nights together without him deteriorating quickly and we could actually be a family (if only we could take the dog to the hospital). I’m currently in contact with a charity to find us a hospital or hospice that we can buy a cold cot for. I want to be able to give families the time to spend with their child/children just like we had. I’m trying to find a hospital that isn’t miles and miles away from where we live as I am buying a plaque to put on it and eventually want to go and see it when it arrives. It will all be in Dexy’s name as when he was in his seeing the plaque and reading that it was donated by a family who had a stillbirth was comforting know that we aren’t the only ones.
I also have a meeting tomorrow with a lady to talk about the care you receive immediately after you lose your baby. The day after Dexy died the information we received of what we do next or what is going to happen was completely useless. The woman who lead the meeting just handed us a booklet and every time we asked her a question she either wouldn’t know or was like “it’s in a booklet in there” it left us feeling completely out of control and like no one was really listening to us. So I’m having this second meeting to really go over what you need when you first lose your baby, how they need to know answers or find them out straight away for you. You don’t want to go home and feel like you know less information then when you went in.
Dads Grieve Too is still going really well, you probably notice there wasnt one this week as I just needed a monday to myself. It sounds awful but sometimes you need to find a balance otherwise you will just burn yourself out and then what good are you? tomorrow’s one I’m not sure yet whether it is going to be a post by a dad or whether I am going to do a post about useful links and Dad bloggers and I think it would be really useful for dads to have access to them and are able to read them at their own pace.
A memorial. I’m thinking of holding a non religious memorial service in Brighton for people who are able to get here and have lost their child/ren. I will be some poetry, some talkers, a few songs, and then after we can all light a candle which I will provide and have a couple of minutes to compose ourselves before we have tea and cake. It will be for both Mums and Dads. I think it’s really important for us to find people who are nearby that we can connect with. Whilst it is great to talk to people over the internet and talk openly it is also important to have people around us in person that we can support and they can support us.
I have been shortlisted for an award in October which I need to do some bits for and plan on how I can get their and back. I feel really honoured that my blog and what I do has been noticed and that people relate to it and find it useful. Everything I do now is around baby loss and for Dexy and what I do to be recognised really does fill me with such pride.
I am now 13 weeks pregnant and I am so happy that my all day sickness has stopped! I think if I was sick one more time I would just turn the bathroom into a little studio apartment for myself. I’ve had my 12 week scan which went really well, the baby is looking healthy and everything was normal. All of my test results have come back negative so whilst the baby is low risk my pregnancy is still high risk and closely monitored.
Seeing the baby wiggling around was both a happy but also sad experience. It only feels like a couple of months ago I was watching Dexy wiggle around on the screen. I am starting to get excited over this baby as I now have a little bump and everything is progressing in the right way.
I’ve allowed myself to buy some little bits for it like a pregnancy memory book, some rainbow baby grows, and a couple of vests that say “hand-picked by my brother in heaven” and “my brother is my guardian angel” I find these comforting knowing that Dexy is involved in some way.
I am still extremely anxious over it all and every day I wake up I am expecting it to end and we be back to square one. I am gripping onto little bits to keep me hopeful like buying the odd bit and planning everything I need to do for it.
we have had quite a few appointments at the hospital to go over our care plan and we are seeing our consultant who delivered Dexy’s post-mortem. I think it’s nice that he has been their to deliver the results and now to see this pregnancy through no matter how it ends.
The mental health side of everything is going good. I haven’t had to increase my meds now for over a month which I am happy with. I still have regular therapy with Kate and I see my psychiatrist on average every month. My anxiety to do with this baby is still pretty strong but I think that is understandable seeing as we have had our eyes opened to the worst thing in the world. I’ve started to learn that having people who aren’t positive in my life around me are never going to benefit any part. I’ve learnt to finally find it in myself to shut people out who are toxic.
I hope you all are enjoying the heat or if you are the other side of the world I hope winter isn’t too cold! ❤