I would like to start by saying how sorry I am for the lack of posts recently on here. First trimester is hitting hard but just over two more weeks until we hit the big 12. So hopefully then frequent posts it is.
As you can probably guess this post is going to be about the ever daunting Father’s Day. Now I would like to state that of course I don’t know how Phil feels about this day but what I can share is how much this day is affecting me. Insane I know, Father’s Day affecting the mum… Wild.
Just like how I was with the build up to Mother’s Day everywhere you turn is advertising Father’s Day cards, shaving kits, socks saying “Best Dad” and forever the saying “Thank you for *playing football with me or whatever*. Now it goes without saying that Phil is a dad, a bloody good dad. He loves his son more than anyone can understand and you can tell that with the way he talks about him or looks at his photos but more importantly how much love he showed him in those three precious days we had with him.
I know you get the people who are like “Mother’s/Father’s Day” is just a way to make money off people, they dont need one day just for them… you should love them always. Well Mary-Jane (I don’t know a Mary-Jane) that’s lovely for you to feel that way but this day holds a significance to people that don’t have little Daniel (I don’t know a Daniel) throwing a strop in Asda because you won’t let him have a Milky Bar. This day is EXTREMELY PAINFUL for parents with children on their shelves and in the ground because it’s just another reminder that we will never get the poisonous pancakes with bits of Lego in or the shitty handmade card that we would pretend to love and know what the hell was drawn on it. This day is where the other partner buys a gift for the Mum/Dad and writes a card telling them how amazing they are to the child that isn’t here.
Cards… On that note lets talk about cards. Last year I was barely pregnant with Dexy and brought phil a card from the bump saying how much he loved hearing his voice and how he couldn’t wait to meet him. This year I’m pregnant again (no way) with Dexy’s little brother or sister and they brought a card for their dad, again from the bump (the card actually reads from the bump). He has got a card from the Dog, fur children can not be forgotten especially ones like Tobasco who constantly demands poor Phil to play with him. Then he got a card from his dead son.. oh wait. He didn’t because there isn’t one to buy. Places that sell cards don’t like to make cards from dead children. But, they do have sympathy cards for every other relation. Now I hate to point out the obvious and say yes baby loss is a hard topic to sell but when I have about 13 different “Happy Father’s Day from the Dog” cards to pick from it might be nice if maybe I dunno I could buy one from my son who is not here?
Why is Phil the best Dad? This may sound bias as he is the father to my children but Phil is fab. Throughout my pregnancy with Dexy he came to every appointment, he held my hand at every scan which to this day I’m convinced it was to conceal his excitement but there he was with a massive smile across his face. He talked non stop to Dexy about what we were like and how strange Tobasco is. He picked out clothes for him to take Dexy out in, he chose books and toys. He would fall asleep with Dexy kicking him in the back because he wanted Dexy to know he was there. He would laugh when Tobasco was booted in the head and become confused to where it came from.
He looked at me with this look of everything being taken from him when got told he had died. He cried out not through sadness but through love for his son. Love that he wouldn’t be able to give him over the years. He was there throughout my labour minus “coffee breaks” and “going for a walk”. He watched his son be born and cheered me on throughout giving birth. He was the first to see Dexy and the look he had on his face was nothing but pure admiration for his son.
He held him. He rocked him. He picked him up. He said goodbye. He knew and always will know that he showed Dexy a lifetime on love in the short time we had with him. He held me as I broke. He helped me get back together. He planned his funeral as I couldn’t bare the thought of it. He wrote words that would stop you breathing if you heard them. But most of all he is this dad that would never let Dexy down. He loves our little boy more than he or I can understand.
Father’s Day is hard. We know that. But you know what makes it easier? Knowing that my son is loved so much by his Dad. No card will ever express that enough. He has sacrificed relationships and personal goals for his son. He wakes up and goes to sleep every day knowing his baby isn’t here but he still wakes up and goes to sleep. He does it for Dexy, he does it for this baby, he does it because he’s a dad. A bloody great one at that.