This was by far the hardest secret I have ever kept to myself. Seeing as I share everything with you guys and not telling you has been insanely difficult. But now that it’s out in the open and I can finally talk about it and how I feel 100% better already.
When Did We Find Out?
April was our first month of actively trying and we were expecting it to take a while because it took so long to convince Dexy. I was due on my period on holiday and had bloating and a headache and thought nothing of it as that’s how I feel when I’m due on. As we came home early on the Wednesday and my period was due on the Thursday when I woke up that morning and didn’t come on (like it has a strict schedule haha) I took a pregnancy test. Within a couple of minutes there it was. “Pregnant” on the little digital screen. I was not totally convinced so I decided to do a few more over the next few days and the lines were getting darker and they still were showing that I was pregnant. So there it was. Two little pink lines and the word “pregnant” and I was shitting it.
What Happens After You Have A Positive Test?
Because of Dexy being a stillborn they are taking extra care with this pregnancy which means I am consultant lead and have regular check ups and scans. I rang the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) and explained what had happened to Dexy and that I was around 4 weeks. They were so lovely and welcoming, she reassured me that a consultant would do my scan and I would be well looked after. This is so important when you are going though pregnancy after a miscarriage and a stillbirth because it’s pretty fucking terrifying. Then you wait, the wait until you are 7 weeks feels like forever. I say 7 weeks she worked me out to be 7 weeks but today showed that I was actually 6 weeks.
How Did I Feel Having A Scan?
The last time I had a scan with a baby in me I had a doctor telling me there was no heartbeat at 36 weeks so I had it in my head the whole time until I saw it on the screen that they would say that it had died and I was going to lose it. But there it was, a tiny, tiny kidney bean-shaped baby. Because my dates got worked out wrong and I’m actually 6 weeks and 2 days they could not see a heartbeat because it isn’t fully developed, we were reassured this was normal and you can only really see a faint heartbeat after 7 weeks. Not seeing that heartbeat was scary but to know that it is normal and everyone was so chilled it took that worry of my mind.
I have another scan on june 5th when I am actually 8 weeks pregnant. In the back of my head I am convinced that it will end and be over for us. I know that the chances of that not happening are in my favour but so was losing a baby at 36 weeks. That is a tiny chance and it happened. I feel like this is going to be a reoccurring fear of mine up until this baby hopefully comes out crying.
How Am I Coping?
I would like to say I’m coping perfectly okay but that would be lying. I’m bloody terrified. I’m scared that this baby will die and I’ll never have an alive one. I am also very excited but I’m trying to push that to the back of my mind because I want to protect myself. I’m also worried I will not be able to bond properly with this pregnancy because of my fear of them dying. I’m trying to stay stress free and have some sort of balance between being excited and scared shitless.
Why Am I Announcing It Now?
I feel like people are going to wonder why I’m announcing it now and not when I’m 12 weeks or even 20 weeks. With Dexy I waited until I was 12 weeks because that is the safe point but i soon learnt 24 weeks later that there was no safe point when he died. If I wait until 12 weeks I could miscarry before and no one would know, no one could support me if they were unaware. If I announce it before 12 weeks I could miscarry or I wont. I can’t predict that my baby is going to stay alive, I can’t predict that I will make it to 36 weeks but what I do 100% know is that if people know I’m pregnant they can support me and if anything does happen I can get more support to guide me through losing another baby.
Will I Be Blogging About This Baby?
Yes and No. I will be updating you guys on my pregnancy after loss journey but this blog and what it is for is all about Dexy. This is Dexy’s space and I want to respect that. I will write about this baby and write about what’s going on but that isn’t going to be my main topic. My blog is about navigating through childloss and babyloss not about pregnancy after loss, it’s a tribute to my son and it’s where I write about him, my memories of him, how I’m coping without him but more importantly how much I love him.
I miss and love Dexy more and more each day and that is never going to change. He is my brightest star at night. If it wasn’t for Dexy I wouldn’t know how to be a mum or how much you can love someone. This is for him and I know he would be so excited to have a little brother or sister, I just wish they could have met.