When you have a baby you don’t really think about it but you just assume that you will take a million photos and a million and one videos of them as they grow up, even when they are just sleeping you take a photo just because they look so sweet. So what do you do when you only have the photos you have?
Creating Memories That Last A Lifetime.
When you are pregnant you don’t really cherish moments that you should. When you lose a baby you realise how much being pregnant should have meant to you. I know full well I should have taken more bump photos and videos of him kicking because i can count on one hand how many videos I have of him kicking. I really wish I embraced being pregnant with open arms rather than moaning about every ache and pain. I regret worry about how much weight I had put on because little did I know I only had 36 weeks with Dexy and that wasn’t even him outside the womb.
In the two and a half days I spent with Dexy I never once heard him cry or see him open his eyes. I only had limited cuddles as it was so hard to hold him as he just flopped around. If you were not focusing on holding his arms in a leg would fall down. It’s so hard to hold a baby who cannot move themselves.
The photos I took are the only photos I will ever have of Dexy and there are none of him alive. The closest I got to a photo with him living is a scan photo or a bump picture and even then who can show that off without looking weird. I feel like its hard for people to get their heads around because one day I would have posted every photo I have and I will have no more to share. That’s why I keep some of them for myself.
The photos I took I can’t just be like fuck I don’t like that one let me take another because I haven’t got my baby here, I can’t just wait until tomorrow to take another one or put a fresh photo up everyday.
Scrolling and Scrolling.
It makes me sad when I post a photo of Dexy because next month it is six months since he died. That’s six months of photos without him I have to scroll through and if I scroll too far I’m greeted by a life before I knew the pain of my baby dying.
When I go out for the day I will never receive a photo from my parents or phil showing me he is having the best time. I’m envious that people can have photos of their babies sent to them when they are not there. I’m envious that I have to scroll through months and months of photos to see a picture of my son when other people can just look at their baby.
I always feel awful for talking about how I feel and even more recently because of events that’s have happened I feel like I need to censor what I say. But the main point of this is that I have to scroll for ages to see my son again when people just can be with their baby. It’s hard to imagine and hard to put yourself in my position if you haven’t been through this. But my baby Mummas and Daddys who have to scroll through photos to post one of them, you share them, you talk about your feelings because you’re helping people like us not feel alone and ashamed, no one else. As ever be kind, be gentle and be open.