Why Did I Start My Blog?

When Did I Find Out About Blogs/Instagram?

When we lost Dexy I had no idea where to turn or if what I was feeling was normal. I was given a bunch of booklets about post-mortem, how to tell your employer and arranging a funeral. whilst these were helpful they just weren’t “real” enough for me. Someone had just written down information that caters for every baby and every parent without it being personal for them. What suits one family does not suit another.

Everyone knows what day three is like after giving birth, your hormones are everywhere, your milk comes in and everything just feels so terribly shit so add that on top of losing your baby for no reason you can begin to imagine how I was feeling. I turned to instagram and searched the hashtag “Stillborn” and I was met with thousands of photos of families and babies. To me this was comforting knowing I wasn’t alone and the only mum who has ever gone through this.

This is where I started following people and reading blogs on seeing how they cope. I just wanted to know if I was going to be okay or if what I was feeling was “normal” (which by now I have realised there is no “normal”). I learned that I was and could still be a mum to a baby that isn’t here and I also read on how to deal with people’s questions and comments. It gave me the strength I needed at my most vulnerable time.

I turned to these parents who were also going through this but months or years ahead of me. I asked questions and I felt like I was safe. I know what you’re thinking, how could I feel safe? Being clueless and alone during this would be so much harder, you would have no back up plan and no one to put your mind at ease when it is going a 100mph. Knowing I had people to turn to outside of my friends and family meant that I didn’t have to censor what I said. I asked about Dexy’s skin and shared photos of it, I would never be able to do this to anyone who wasn’t expecting what they would see. I asked them how to deal with certain situations and tensions. This meant no matter what I always had an answer or given something to get me that answer.

Why Did I Start My Blog?

I wanted to give back. I wanted people to see the raw side of grief. I wanted them to understand that it wasn’t just as simple as my laying in bed crying. It was so much more than people could understand that haven’t gone through it as a parent.

I wanted to have a place that people could turn to when they found themselves in the same position that I did. But this time I wanted them to know that whatever they are feeling is okay.

I read a lot about people having support around them and finding that people were kind and tried to understand or at least empathise with what they are going through. But this isn’t always the case. Different situations mixed with grief is a bomb waiting to go off. Sometimes you have to say how you feel otherwise the pain of holding it in added on top to the immense pain you are already going through will not be bearable.

My blog is my safe space. It is where I write down all of my feelings whether they are good or bad. My blog is for people who are going through baby/pregnancy loss can feel safe in knowing they are not alone. My blog is for people who have never gone through anything like this and can be open-minded and learn about a different outcome of pregnancy and a different type of motherhood. My blog is inclusive for everyone and anyone. It is for Dads to realise they are not alone and that other men are also going through a similar thing. It is for neighbours and school friends to try to help them understand and get an insight in what my life is like. It is for family members to read and to help us as grieving parents.

What I write on my blog is my true, honest and brutal feelings. You can learn so much by just reading and opening your minds. It is important that parents like Phil and I have a safe space. Whilst I started this blog to help bereaved parents in knowing that what they are going through they don’t have to go through alone. I am so happy that so many people who haven’t gone through it read my blogs and absorb every word I say. It means so much to me to get the amazing support and unconditional love from people. I always receive such positive feedback and I feel so much comfort that people have found it useful to read a piece by a stranger explaining exactly how they feel.

Thank you for your support as always,

Hannah x

HannahPontillo_DexiPontillo_060118 (10)

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