Trying To Conceive… Again.

We always wanted more than one child and when Dexy died we still wanted more than one child. I’m not talking about a replacement or a baby that we can project our feelings for Dexy onto. I’m talking ANOTHER child. A SIBLING.

Am I Scared?

If I wasn’t scared of having another baby after a miscarriage and a stillbirth I think I would be slightly insane! Of course I am, I’m bloody petrified. I’m scared that I will get excited and start planning a future and it gets taken from me again, I’m scared that I won’t love another baby,  and I’m scared they will die.

When you lose a baby or child your body goes into overdrive and you want to protect everything in your sight or close to you. You keep your partner extra close because you know how easy it is to lose someone for no reason. I’m scared that the next baby will die and it will just be Phil and I again with another baby on our shelf. I think about if Phil dies and I will be left alone with a baby. What if I die? Phil will have just him and a baby because his wife and other son are dead.

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When Will We Start Trying Again?

We have started already. We have no positive outlook on PAL (Pregnancy After Loss). If it happens it happens and when it does we can’t really get our hopes up because we know what that is like and how horrible it can end. We know what it is like to decorate a room for a baby, we know what it is like to test drive a pram and we know how much it kills you when you have to pack everything up and return back to “normal”.

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How Do I Feel About Having An Alive Baby?

I’m so used to my type of motherhood where I keep Dexy’s memory alive and don’t have a physical baby to hold. It’s so weird to think that one day I will be tired after being kept up all night and hearing a baby cry. I really can’t get my head around it. The thought of having a baby that is alive is terrifying because that means I will have to keep them alive. I’m worried that I will actually be a terrible mum and be completely clueless. I don’t have to feed my son or keep him from falling, all I have to do is dust his box and write about him. I have no clue how to be a mum to a baby that breathes.

The thought of also being a first time ,mum for the second baby is weird. I’m meant to be a pro by now and I’m not. I’m a pro at being pregnant and giving birth. I’m also a pro at making large beautiful babies. But thats where it stops. I don’t know how hard it is to be a mum. I don’t know what it is like to struggle to breastfeed, I don’t know what it is like to change a shitty bum. I’m honestly a newbie but I’ve already had a baby! It’s so confusing.

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I’m Worried For Dexy. Why?

Lets be honest if you had an alive baby you would be more likely to talk about them and post photos of them rather than a dead baby. What if people forget about Dexy because we will have an alive baby. You may think this sounds extreme but it’s already happening. If you read my Close To Home. blog you would see that I had a close family member that was pregnant. Well now she has given birth certain people haven’t even checked on us or spoken about Dexy. They never posted photos of him but they do with the new alive baby? People act like they aren’t certain members of family with Dexy but they now are for this one. So what happens when we have another one? Are people going to forget he exists or treat our new baby like a replacement for the “dead” one. Dexy isn’t physically here which means it’s hard to realise he exists. Phil and I every day have to make sure he isn’t forgotten and is spoken about just so he doesn’t fade away. Our son is just as valid as any other breathing baby.

Our Children will know about their brother, I mean it’s pretty hard for them not to as we have Dexy shrines in every room. Dexy is a very large part of our life and he will be with his brothers and sisters too. They will share the same features and it will hit at certain points like when they say their first word or go to school because we never got that from Dexy. We are going to find it hard because the only alive memories we have of our son was from when I was pregnant but our future kids could have a whole life.

I often wonder what it would be like for Dexy to have a sibling and for him to be alive. Would he hate being a  big brother or would he shower them with love? It’s something I am never going to find out but what I do know is this. Because of Dexy our next children are going to be so closely monitored and have the best care through out. If it wasn’t for their big brother they wouldn’t be so looked after. Lets just hope they love Dexy as much as we know will love them.

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2 thoughts on “Trying To Conceive… Again.

  1. PAL is hard, all those what if’s. For My first alive baby after Charlotte, I spent the first 6 months petrified I was going to kill her some how. You will get through it, and it will be so worth it 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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