If you follow me on social media you would have seen that we are moving. It’s not 100% but we have taken a flat off the market. Yippee?
Why did we move here?
We moved into this flat last may as a stop-gap. Our last flat was massive and rinsed us of all our money. There was so much useless space and it was a horrible layout. It never felt like home. Everything constantly broke and there was a water leak in the dining room that was pouring out of the light on the ceiling and all corners of the room were ruined because of water damaged. The agency we were with was also pretty shocking, they never fixed anything. They allowed us to have the dog and then basically forced us out of the flat by saying they are going to build another bedroom in it and put the rent up. We asked how much the rent was going to go up by and they could never give us an answer.
So we decided to move to this life saver of a flat. It was perfect, just a small one bedroom and it earned bonus points by being right on the beach. The dog loved it here and we had somewhere that finally felt like home. We moved here at the beginning of May and two weeks later we found out we were pregnant with Dexy.
It was such a happy memory for us, the idea of finding the perfect place to start a family. As the weeks went by we starting turning a couples flat into a family home. Scan photos were up in the living room and pieces of baby furniture start taking over. I loved the fact that this would be our first family home and so many amazing memories would be created here. Our bedroom was soon over taken by a cot and changing table and we went through TWO wardrobes because we were trying to make the most of our little room. Dexy had his corner full of sensory lights and little decorations. His changing table was perfectly laid out full of everything that we would need.
Waking up everyday, seeing his cot and little mobile reminded me that we didn’t have long to wait until our baby boy would be screaming down the house. When I went on maternity leave I had about 7 weeks until my due date. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect and that everything was ready so we could just focus on being the best parents for Dexy. I spent my time washing baby clothes and putting them in his chest of draws. I think I had rearranged them about 40 times before I was happy. I washed his blankets that he would be wrapped in and I even had a special pram blanket that was adorable. I hung his little clothes up that he would meet the grandparents and family members in. I was so overjoyed with the idea of him living here and growing up here.
Why are we moving?
Dexy lived here. Dexy died here. I woke up in our bed, in our home to him not moving. I tried desperately to get him moving in our flat and I made the scariest phone call of my life in our bedroom. Every happy memory I had of being pregnant and being excited is now gone. What should have been our family home is now empty and a constant reminder that Dexy died.
We didn’t stay in our flat for 2 weeks after Dexy died because we couldn’t face looking at his stuff. We didn’t want to be reminded that he was never going to sleep in his cot that was already made up for him. I didn’t want to see his pram in the hallway with the clean wheels. It was hard to look at it let alone be around it. Every time we popped back to pick up clothes or bits that we needed I stayed in the living room and Phil had to get our stuff from the bedroom. I couldn’t even be in the same room as his furniture.
After the funeral we decided it was time we faced it and came back home. Coming home knowing you are about to pack up your dead childs belongings makes you feel physically sick. We started with his clothes. We air tight packed them and sent them to my parents. once the small stuff was done it came to dismantling the bulky items. Let me tell you, taking down a cot and changing table causes a lot more arguments than trying to put the bugger up. Then that got taken away too. What we were left with was space. space where our baby should have been and space that could never be filled again. I didn’t want to think about the idea of even trying for a baby in this house or being pregnant. This was and still is Dexy’s home.
When I lay in bed or wake up in the morning I can see the small holes in the wall that once had Dexy’s belongings all over it. It is now just a boring old wall that used to be full of happiness and light. I never have a day in this flat where my mood doesn’t turn to absolute shit because I always find reminders. The basket holding our toiletries in the bathroom was from Dexy’s baby shower. The cotton wall I use to take my makeup off was once on his changing table looking organised and pretty. It’s hard to look around our flat without the furniture there because it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like our home anymore. It is wearing us down and I don’t know how long we can stay here before we finally crack.
Where are we moving to?
Funnily enough Phil and I started out in a studio flat and then moved to the flat below. Now we are in this flat and our neighbours have just moved out. We love where we live as it is handy for both of us to get to work. The beach is over the road. but most importantly the neighbours know our dog and don’t mind him.
The flat the other side of the main door has recently come up and we thought why don’t we have a look at it? So we arranged a viewing. Let me tell you, when you live in a shoe box and the flat you view has bigger rooms and a separate kitchen it’s hard to say no. They need to do some work to it before we are hoping to move in. But we have taken it off they market and just waiting for our referencing to go through. hopefully we will find out by the end of the week.
Another selling point is that it’s a new fresh start but we are still somewhat connect to this flat. I am hoping this will help us to start remembering all the happy memories we do have here. I know one day we will be able to talk about them and smile.
Tobasco is going to love the room in the new place because he can make as much mess as he likes and it won’t look massively untidy. It has a really big lounge and a bigger bedroom than we have now. but of course me and phil are weird and we like cosy living space. So we are thinking of having the lounge as our room and the bedroom as our living room. One of the main reasons for this is also because we do want to start trying again for a little brother or sister for Dexy and having baby furniture can really take up room and we still want some bedroom space to ourselves.
Where are we going to put Dexy?
Dexy is currently on a shelf next to our bed. There are photos of us with him next to him. He has a candle and his bare near him. In the new place I really want him to have a corner in the bedroom which all of his bits can be together. I want him next to his little light up cloud and bear. His memory box to be with him too as that is currently in the lounge. I feel it’s important for him to have his own space as he is and will always be present in our lives. His siblings are going to know about their older brother and I want them to see his space and respect it. after all if he was live he would be in the bedroom with us and it is comforting knowing he sleeps next to us at night and that he is always around.
Hopefully everything goes through okay this week and we can be set to move in for the 25th of this month. cutting it tight as always as we are on holiday from the 28th April till May 5th and we have to be out by the 8th. But who doesn’t like a challenge? After all it will put a rocket up our arse and make us motivated.