So we all know how babies are made. I had a child so it’s safe to say Mum, Dad, Grandparents… I’VE DONE IT. Now we’ve cleared that up we can get down to details.
Before you have a child sex is fun. You can do it where ever and whenever. Your body is at it’s prime and even when you have morning breath, left over makeup and terrible hair you still kind of look relatively sexy. You could still get an 8.
I wish I embraced my pre-baby body more. I wish I wore that shorter dress, took more nudes and sent them to Phil. I wish I really appreciated how I looked.
The first few months into my pregnancy were pretty rough. I had morning sickness, tiredness, I was also a 24/7 emotional wreck. I had the same body but my boobs were massive. I felt like some topless model. They appeared out of nowhere and were only getting bigger, in total I went up 4 cup sizes and my back hated me by the time 9 months were up.
As My bump got bigger and I wasn’t as lets say “free moving”, sex got harder. I was more “mind Dexy”, “the bump Phil fucking hell watch the bump” or “my hip.. cramp in my hip” rather than a hot glowing mess. I think when you get to around 7 months and you have a well established bump you just learn to work around it and it all gets a bit better and a bit easier.
Post-Baby (Loss) Sex.
The last time Phil and I done it was the night before Dexy died. One of the first things I asked was did us having sex cause him to die. I felt nothing to blame but myself even more. I feel like this really affected my attitude towards sex. I really blamed myself for Dexy. When the DR told me it was nothing to do with us having intercourse I felt better but in the back on my mind it was still there.
Phil watched Dexy come out, he felt his head crowning and he told me he had a lot of hair. After you have a vaginal birth everything is very, very, VERY swollen and sore. Poor Phil had to apply cream and help me get my knickers on so he had a front row seat to the vagina freak show. I worried that “it” would never look the same or feel the same. How could it after you push a chunk of a babe out.
As I said in Am I Supported? I had no medical after care for my psychical health so I had no one to ask questions to. I remember hearing the 6 week rule of no sex after you give birth. Which I totally understood for someone who has a baby. I can only imagine what you feel after you give birth to an alive child. I can probably guess you are tired and sex is the last thing on your mind.
As I had no baby I could focus on healing and recovering from giving birth. I could sleep and get myself back on track without having to look after Dexy.
The first couple of weeks sex was something I didn’t even want to think about. Sex was what got me pregnant and it also led me to experience losing my baby. I worried and over thought about how the first time would be. Would it hurt after 6 weeks? Would it feel okay for Phil? Would I bleed? It was a stress that I probably didn’t need to worry about.
I also hated my post-baby body. It was wobbly, a lot bigger than before and I just felt so far from me. I didn’t know if phil would still find me attractive or if it would even turn him on. I felt really gross.
As the end of the 6 weeks got closer I was a horny wreck. It was torture. It was like a punishment. All I could think about was “my child died and I can’t even be close to my husband” I wanted nothing more than to be intimate with him. I wanted us to go back to being as “normal” as possible.
My midwife that I had during my pregnancy randomly called me a day before it was 6 weeks since Dexy passed away. I asked her when I was able to have sex and she told me that I could have had sex whenever I felt ready. 6 weeks is just a time they give but you don’t have to stick to it. Have you ever really craved an ice-cream, you finally buy one and then you drop it on the floor? well my face was like that. Are you kidding? I could have had sex whenever I wanted?
Losing my post-birth virginity.
The first time was basically me other-thinking about how much it would hurt. I know its stupid because a 7lb11 baby is A LOT bigger than Phil’s penis (sorry love) so the likelihood of it hurting as much as giving birth was impossible. It might be sore but it’s not going to kill. Just stock up on lube and you’re all good. I cried, I cried so much afterwards. I don’t know if it was the release of a lot of anger and tension or if I realised that this was the first time we had sex just as a couple with no baby in tow for 9 months.
I personally don’t like any form of contraception other than condoms and even at the best of times I’m not a massive fan of them. There is something about a condom that makes me feel like a rebellious 16-year-old again. But we have to wait for a few months before we can start “actively” trying again. We just can’t risk having any accidents because as our risk for having complications is already increased since Dexy I just need it to be perfect. I want to reassured that I have done anything wrong.
Even now when we have sex I feel a little bit sad knowing that could have made a baby but I just have to wait but honestly as scared as I am about having another child I can’t wait. I want something to look forward to. I want Dexy to be a big bother. I want it now!
But hey practise makes perfect right? So who knows maybe when it’s time for baby number 3 we will be pros.