Before you think I’m going to stop ranting online im not! I’m talking about taking a break on life. Whether that be being a full-grown hard-working adult or a grieving mother. Sometimes people assume that because you have lost a child your life should be focused around grieving and just basic function.
The first time we went out into town after Dexy was born phil and I felt like we couldn’t be seen laughing at something one of us had said. We felt like we had to walk around in silence because if we saw someone we knew and they saw us laughing they would think that we weren’t grieving over our son.
We found going out to do daily life things a challenge as we felt like we would be judged for carrying on. If we brought a bottle of wine in Asda would people assume we were drinking ourselves into depression or if we were going out?
The first night we went out for a few drinks it took us a good hour or so to be able to relax because we felt like we couldn’t let our hair down and we felt like if we did we would forget our son. It’s a stupid pressure to put onto yourself. If anyone needed a night out I think we would be first on the list.
Even now, I still feel like going for a coffee is a challenge because even though Dexy never leaves my mind and I constantly think about him I don’t want others to feel like I’m living life perfectly okay without him.
Finding happiness is so important after you lose a child or anyone close to you. It sometimes feel like nothing will ever make you smile again. You feel so alone and even scared to let the corners of your mouth creep into a smile. it’s also so hard to let your hair down because the first couple of times I went out for a drink or had a nice night the amount of guilt I felt for being happy without my son was more unbearable than the hangover.
You have a sort of self expectation of never finding room in your life to laugh or be happy again. You battle with yourself. It’s harder to laugh than it is to cry and this is still so present even now.
This weekend was a mixture of emotions. On Saturday we had Phil’s birthday night out. This was for the big 30. This was also the first time we have seen all of our friends since Dexy died. It started with just a couple of us and a drink, then we made it down to Vodka Revs (two for one on cocktails I’ll just paint the picture with that) the more we drank the more we let our hair down. We spoke about Dexy and took the piss out of Phil for getting old. There were many points in the night that I felt riddled with guilt for laughing, drinking and generally having a good night. At some points I just wanted to go home and hold the box my son’s ashes are in and apologise for living without him. I should be checking in with my parents looking after him, instead I was texting them about missing our son. How is that fair? However, Phil had an amazing night out and it was such a wonderful feeling hearing my husband laughing and singing and being happy. I forgot how good it sounds.
On Sunday it was Mother’s Day. If you read my post about it you would know that I stated I was in two minds about it. I was so upset in the morning because I was hungover as it just really hit me that last night I was having an amazing time and I was enjoying myself and just being me. Then I wake up with the memory of last night but the realization that I’m childless on Mother’s Day and I felt so bloody guilty that I had fun without him being here and I just couldn’t snap out of it. We didn’t do anything because I was just so miserable about Dexy. My parents came over in the evening which was lovely because nothing is better than a hug and a few comforting words from your parents. I did get a necklace which has Dexy on it which I have not taken off. Phil got for his birthday a necklace with Dexy’s footprint and handprint. He hasn’t taken it off since he got it. I also got one for Mother’s Day and its so lovely to be able to either wear my sons handprint and footprint or his name. I can take him where ever I go.
Monday (yesterday) was Phil’s actual birthday. We had a super chilled daytime. We went for lunch which was amazing (big up “Patty&Bun”) and Phil spent his money on more hideous shirts. My sister came over with her partner which was lovely, then we went out for dinner and drinks with my parents. Phil didn’t want to do anything big as we celebrated mainly on Saturday. So we just drank gin and sorted out all the world problems in the “Gin Tub”.
We have also booked a 7 night holiday in may for my 22nd birthday. This will be a test for the both of us on how ready for life we really are. I’m currently thinking I might take Dexy’s tear ridden teddy with us so we can take photos of it on holiday so it will be like he is with us. When we go away it is also the time we have been given the all clear to start trying again. So who knows. Will we see any of the sun -Haha. I feel like we need to escape for a week and we deserve all-inclusive cocktails and cheap magnets. We need to still be a couple and live like one. I cannot wait. I just need to shift the last little bit of baby weight and find a bikini to cover my newly found boobs. They need containing.
I think this weekend has been what we have really needed. Minus the guilt and tears. It has felt like we are dating again and just living like we have nothing to lose. We’ve spent far too much money and we have laughed too hard. But if we learn one thing from Dexy that is life is too short. Dexy never got to and will never experience wearing a pink wig on his 30th birthday. It just makes living harder and makes living worth it. Yes we are distraught over our son but we also need to make memories.