When you imagine your first mothers day you expect to be woken up with flowers, a card, and your husband changing all the nappies for you. You expect to have your child here. When I found out I was pregnant with Dexy I couldn’t wait to finally be a mum and wake up to him on Mother’s Day morning. I thought I would be going out for lunch with Dexy dressed up. I thought I would have a living child with me.
What was the lead up like?
The last few weeks I have found pretty difficult because everywhere I go there are adverts for Mother’s Day. If I’m scrolling through various social media sites there are Mother’s Day adverts. I know I can’t wrap myself up in bubble wrap and expect the world to be hidden from me. I know I can’t hide from it. I have to remind myself that it has only been 9 weeks since Dexy died and even though that feels like a lifetime ago, it is still pretty recent and raw. As I said in my The First Of The Firsts post, you mentally prepare yourself for big events. I have known that this day would be hard and I have known that the lead up would be difficult.
What was it like waking up today?
It’s Phil’s birthday on Monday so last night we had his big “dirty thirty” night out. So we are feeling pretty sorry for ourselves as it is.
I vented most of my feelings out to people last night in my drunk chats about how much I was dreading today. So when I woke up I didn’t feel like I had to pretend I was okay or carry that weight of dread on my shoulders. All I have to do is focus on myself. It’s mothers day after all. If today isn’t about just focusing on you, then it’s just like every other day.
I was woken up with a card from Dexy and Tobasco which had a little silver chain that has Dexy’s name on it. Now I can have him with me no matter where I am.
We haven’t planned on doing anything today other than taking it easy and just doing what we feel like. I feel like having no plan is the best plan on important days. I don’t feel like such a failure if I don’t achieve what I set out to do. We might go for a coffee or we might just stay in bed all day. Who knows?
What are my feelings on today?
I was in two minds about today for a while. I didn’t know if I wanted to ignore it or if I wanted to celebrate it. I wanted to ignore it because it was another lifetime event without my baby and it was another memory he should be part of. I also wanted to do something to celebrate the fact I am a mother. I had carried our son for 37 weeks by the time he was born. I had birthed him. I made memories with him. I was with him his whole life. The first thing he heard and felt was my heart and that’s what he had with him when he passed away. I want to acknowledge the fact that my world came crashing down when my son died and I think that makes me a pretty good mum to stay strong for him.
So I have decided to go in-between the two. I will low-key celebrate today. I will wear my chain with his name proudly. I will remember the time I had with him. I will tell him that no matter where he is, his Mummy loves him and is always with him.
Today is celebrating every type of mum. No matter how you got here or what you have lost on your way.
Today is for the women who don’t have their babies to hold. For the women who pick up their drunk teenagers at 3am. For the women who are there for their children’s friends when no one else is. For the dads that are doing this on their own. Today is for you. Even if you do nothing just know how amazing you are.