One of the top questions people ask me is either “How do you feel seeing a baby?” or “Do you get upset seeing someone with a baby?”. The answer is always going to be yes. It breaks my heart every time I see a baby on social media or when I am out. It doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable it just hits me. I think it is always going to.
What was the first time like?
Horrible. The first time I saw a baby was about 2 hours after we got told Dexy had no heartbeat. It was going to happen but I didn’t think so soon. Which is dumb because I was where every pregnant woman goes. It felt like the world was rubbing it in my face. I looked at the parents who had just had their baby and they were so happy walking to what I guess was their car,to take their little bundle of joy home. I felt like they were purposely rubbing it in my face. My world had just turned to shit and stopped and theirs was amazing and the best day ever. I wanted to run up to them and scream in their faces how much I hated them and how much they don’t deserve that child. I wanted to be them and I hated them for that. I also wanted to tell them how grateful they should be and how they should never let their baby go.
Does it feel like this every time?
When we went in for me to be induced I was on the labour ward which was extremely hard for me. I could hear babies crying and saw people coming up to meet them. I felt numb regarding my reason for being there but I felt happy for them. I was happy they were having what they had been preparing for.
The first night I was there I went for a walk and in the room opposite a lady had just had twins. They had their door open and in the little cot I saw a tiny pink hat and a tiny blue one. They had their family there all chirpy and congratulating them and in my room was my parents asleep on the floor and phil curled up in a chair asleep, because I didn’t want to be alone. I was preparing to give birth to my dead son and they were being congratulated. It broke me.
After I gave birth, before my horrific shower and what happened after. Phil and I were in our room and we could hear a little baby crying after being born and there I was cradling my silent, sleeping boy. It just got harder and harder. I was surrounded by alive babies. I went on my phone to announce the arrival and death of our son. As soon as I opened Facebook and Instagram I was greeted by more babies. It was again like another smack in the face. I knew people didn’t do it on purpose but it just felt like everyone was.
After we came home we ventured out for the first time into town. We went for coffee and surprise, surprise there was a little newborn with their mum. This was the first time I had seen a baby outside the hospital in person. I just stared blankly at the little baby. The mum must have thought I was a weird baby starer. But it was so precious and I just wanted my Dexy in my arms. I was fighting to hold back the tears and chin shaking. Lets face it a coffee shop is not the place you want to cry.
When did I learn to not be bitter?
I haven’t. I just know how to control it. When I am out I just stare ahead and don’t take notice of my surroundings. I ignore prams and children. I block it out like they don’t exist. On social media I look at the pictures and they make me happy because how could I be bitter at something so small and innocent. They haven’t done anything to me. They don’t know whats happened.
My upstairs neighbour was due the same time as me. Obviously her baby boy was born alive and well. I passed them in the corridor and saw them leaving with their baby every now and then. I found this hard because our boys should be growing together. We should be meeting for coffee and going through the same experiences and sharing tips. Anyway, I plucked up the courage to give them the nappy coupons I get sent through the post every week (Thanks Pampers). I left a little brief note in their letter box explaining what had happened and they can have all my money off vouchers. I’m a nice person, ok. We met up for coffee, I went to hers. This has been the first time I have purposely been around a baby. He was blooming adorable. it wasn’t the baby that got me it was the bouncer chair thing. Dexy had exactly the same one. instead of him using his it was in storage. I couldn’t stop looking at it. It constantly put me off what I was saying. Oh man I wish I could see my sons little body bouncing in it.
I still haven’t held a baby since and I don’t know if I want to. Phil’s sister is having a baby in may and I just can’t bring myself to terms with it. Dexy should be growing up with his cousin and they should be causing trouble together. I just can’t deal to well with it. Phil is still finding it hard to see babies around and he has a right to. Our baby was taken and many other families get to keep theirs. Life is a test and it’s pushing us to the edge.
What should I be feeling?
Everything, I should be mixed about babies. I’m not hating on people having them. I’m just jealous. I will openly admit it. There is no wrong way of feeling towards other parents and babies. Be bitter, be hurt, be happy, but please don’t punish yourself for feeling like that. If you are able to breathe and realise you are still living then you are doing okay. It’s a hard long journey. Happiness sometimes feels unachievable and to carry on sometimes feels pointless.
I keep going because I know one day I will have another baby. I will be able to share photos of them growing up. I will be able to hold them when they fall. I will ground them for being a shit bag. But right now I’m just a mum whose baby is no longer here but is always with me. Everyday I live my life for him.