What Went Wrong?

If you follow me on social media you would have seen that I posted about going to the hospital today to find out why Dexy died and if there was anything that would affect my future pregnancies.

Why did Dexy die?

My appointment was at 2:30pm today and they were running a little late. To say I was nervous wouldn’t cover it. I was so scared that they would have found something from his post-mortem or from my blood that would show that there was something wrong with me or it was something I did. Even though I done everything throughout my pregnancy by the book this has still been playing around in my head 24/7. Deep down I was hoping they would find something to cause it. I need something to blame for my baby dying.
When we got called in we met the consultant that would be taking care of me from now on. He was super lovely and extremely welcoming. He started off explaining what they were looking for in my blood. There was nothing. My sugar levels are all perfect, no infections, and no anti bodies that could have attacked him. He then went on to explain Dexy’s results.
I must add in that when we were in the hospital before he was born we decided to go for a non intrusive post-mortem for him. One because we didn’t want our precious baby cut open and have someone who we didn’t know looking around inside him. And two because he would have to go to London to have it done. This meant if we wanted to see him again before his funeral we couldn’t and we also didn’t like the idea of him not being near us. We already lost him and I didn’t want him 50+ miles away. He told us that there were no abnormalities. He said there was no reason for it to happen because Dexy was a healthy baby boy and I was a young healthy woman. Dexy wasn’t underweight or too small. In fact he was a very big baby.
This was so hard to hear. Our perfect little boy died and there was no cause for it. There is nothing to blame and nothing went wrong. He was taken. I’m so angry that he should be here and he’s not. I am still thinking about why it happened. I can’t get my head around it. Here’s a fact, 40% of stillbirths have no cause behind them. They just happen.

Will it happen again?

Our consultant was happy to hear we wanted to try again and was not put off the idea of carrying on with our plans for a family. The plan is that as soon as I find out I’m pregnant I ring the EPU (Early pregnancy unit) up the hospital. I will have a scan around 7 weeks to make sure it is progressing happily. I will also be scanned frequently and have regular visits from 16 weeks with the consultant. towards the end of my pregnancy I will be scanned every couple of weeks. It goes without saying that we are worried about getting to 36 weeks and it all happening again. We asked him about this and I’m going to be induced on or just before then. We also got told that we have a higher chance by 1% or 2% of it happening again then to someone who has had healthy pregnancies and births. This is also very frightening. A family is what we want and a family is what we will have.

How do we feel?

heartbroken and confused. I feel worse than before because now I know our beautiful little boy was healthy and well. We had bad luck, the worst of luck. I want to blame something or someone for taking him and now I have nothing to put my anger into. I wanted there to be something in these tests and I wanted to try to “fix” my feelings about this whole situation. My Dexy died and we will never know why.


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Dexy Jude Pontillo

3 thoughts on “What Went Wrong?

  1. Hannah i have replied once but then it diappeared lol so sorry if you get this twice . Hannah wanting someone something to blame is natuaral . And finding out their is nothing to blame is scary because their are no garenttes for next time . I blamed me for oli being born 10 weeks early . I blamed me for having a c section . I am a failure i couldnt do what most women do day in day out .
    Abruptions i was told was common with blue collar workers . Shit so even my life choices were to blame . Yes you can try again but that doesnt take away dexy was here and loved . And one day dexy will be a big brother

    Liked by 1 person

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