Yesterday marked 8 weeks since you were born. That’s 8 weeks without you being here with me. 8 weeks since I first saw your little pink nose. 8 weeks since I have felt your soft skin. 8 weeks since the count down started for us to say goodbye.
I never imagined I would be alone in the flat when you were 8 weeks old, let alone you not being here for me to hold. By now I would be expecting to laugh as your little personality was beaming through. I would be making funny noises and playing with your teddies just to see your face light up. I would be telling your dad how stressed I am because you have gone through 2 baby grows and my stained my favourite top. I would then be laughing as I realise I spend every day teaching you things and showing you love for you to poo all down me.
The pain has not eased since you left. Every day I experience feelings I never knew or hoped I would never have. I sometimes just lay in bed cuddling the teddy we got given in hospital praying that I will open my eyes and instead of this crusty bear it will be you. No matter how much I wish for you to be here it pains me to know that it will never come true. I miss you so much.
I sometimes giggle to myself when I remember your persistent kicking when we had check ups and how you would go insane if I drank anything fizzy. When you used to kick Tobasco in the head and wake him up from his nap on my belly. I wish you two could have played together and wound each other up. I know he misses you too. We all do.
Your Nanny and Gramps talk about you all the time and I make them cry with every post I do. But really that’s because they are hurting too.
I’ve done so much in these 8 weeks that I never thought I would do. I venture into town on my own without falling to pieces. I’ve started a blog and opened myself up for everyone to see. I can talk about you without turning into a puddle of tears. I’ve learnt to be a mum. By that I mean I love you and every second of everyday I keep your memory alive. I look after you in my heart because you’re not here for me to do that.
On Monday we have a meeting with some Drs to talk about why you aren’t here and we will discuss the possibility of giving you some younger siblings for you to keep an eye out for. Because of what happened to you they are going to be so closely monitored and looked after.
Anyway my little dude, it’s 04:08 in the morning and instead of doing a night feed I’m writing a letter to you.
I love you.