The First Of The Firsts

When someone you know passes away you always get told that the first year is always the hardest. You have the first birthday without them, the first Christmas and their first anniversary.
Since Dexy has died I have prepared myself for our birthdays without him and mothers day. Well, I thought I had thought it over thoroughly and nothing else would affect me.

What happened?

As many of you are aware we had pretty bad snow in Brighton. It started snowing a couple of nights ago whilst me and Phil were having a cocktail and all of a sudden I got really emotional knowing that Dexy was never going to see this.
When I woke up in the morning I thought that maybe it was just because I had a drink last night and it was that which made me emotional, but it wasn’t. I was so upset knowing that this would have been the first time Dexy would be seeing snow and I wanted to take him out, go for a walk with him, let him experience it. It then dawned on me. I have spent nearly the last 8 week preparing for questions from people, all of the important dates, when people slip up, and seeing a baby. I hadn’t planned for life.
LIFE GOES ON and it hit like a fucking tonne of bricks. I realised that I have been in a bubble of only thinking it was a couple of weeks ago since he passed away. It didn’t click it’s almost 2 months. Phil is back at work, I’m almost back to my original weight, my bump is completely gone, my boobs have stopped hurting, but most importantly life hasn’t stopped. I’ve been in limbo for 8 weeks and I can’t get out of it. I still think that I’m going to wake up and it will be new years day. I will feel him moving and we will go about our lives never knowing the heartbreak we have now and it will just be a really horrible dream.

What am I going to do?

I’m currently in a state of panic because everything I thought about is completely false! I’m not worried about big events, I’m worried about the small things. What if I’m in Asda one day and a little boy comes running up and grabs my trolley and calls me mum. Let’s face it, we’ve all done it. What happens if that little boy is around the same age as Dexy would be? What happens when I’m on the beach in the summer and I can hear a baby having the time of its life? And all I have is Dexy’s little summer shorts packed up in storage?
I never thought I would have to worry about this and worry about if I’m going to be able to hold it together? My life isn’t meant to be like this. I’m meant to be tired and stressed from the lack of sleep and crying about getting shit or puke on my favourite top. I’m never going to have this with him! My heart is truly broken!

What upsets me?

Whilst we are on the rant rampage. What upsets me? The taboo of my son’s existence.
A bit extreme calling it a taboo but it is. Stillbirth is all still very hush-hush and no one really feels comfortable talking about it. I have had a few occasions where people find hearing about my son or looking at photos of him uncomfortable.
Well let me tell you something. Being uncomfortable is trying to hold back the tears and controlling your voice not breaking when you are picking out a tiny little box for your sons ashes and being told that because he is a baby there might not even be any to collect. Now that’s fucking uncomfortable. What else is? Biting my tongue when people ask not to see pictures or for me to leave out details. Oh I’m sorry do you think I only want to have photos of my son dead? I’m never going to have a photo of his first smile, a video of him laughing at something completely random, him on the beach or being able to take a photo of the poo explosion he has just had and caption it with “thank god for the washing machine”. I’m never going to have a photo of him alive. I was never going to hold him when he was crying or needed to be burped. I’m never going to be able to wake up in the morning and see his sweet little face. So I’m sorry my son makes you uncomfortable but what I have is all I’m ever going to have.
I realise I’m going through the angry mother phase where I hate everything and I have no filter on what I’m saying.why should I? My son is dead and I’m still having to live.
I heard some very wise words from someone who has been through a similar situation “You never get over it, you just learn to cope” and that’s what I’m doing. coping. probably terribly. But I am still coping.

6 thoughts on “The First Of The Firsts

      1. That is a poor thing for them to do. There are scandals based on this very lie. There’s no excuse and I’m sorry they put that doubt in your head.

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  1. Hannah Hun you now hes always there and he always will be. You and Phil are so strong and Gaz and I admirer you both. Reading your blog you to sound so much like us and you now 22 years after how our life has go because we had each over and stronger together. We where the only two how now how we felt and he was all I needed to get me through. We love you both so much. Caz xxxx

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