Since all of this has happened I have received nothing but support from people who I know and many people who have been through similar or knows someone who it has happened to. I am forever grateful for every message I have got and flowers we have received. Without that I don’t think we would be in such a good place as we are now.
As I have pre-existing mental health I had support through my entire pregnancy with my emotions and this has carried on even more so now since Dexy died. Phil and myself have fortnightly visits with a psychiatrist and then monthly visits with my own DR which we have found to be really useful. There is so much emotional support out there for both of us that we never feel alone or that we are dealing with this just us two. Everyone that we know and love is grieving too and knowing that support is offered to them is also amazing because it takes a weight of our shoulders.
What about my physical health?
This area I found I have been really let down in. When you have a healthy ALIVE baby you have health visitors, midwife visits, helplines, and 6 week postnatal checks. What if you don’t have a baby? None of this exists!! I don’t have a health visitor to come and check on me that I can ask questions about what is happening to my body. I don’t have a 6 week postnatal check to tell me everything is okay.
The only time I have had a midwife come to me was at my mum’s house as we were living there until Dexy’s funeral and she only came over by a mistake. When she turned up we had only been out of hospital for two days. She asked how I was doing and I told her that I was tired and other various bits. She asked to see the green and white papers that we got sent home with and I told her that we only came home with his stillborn certificate. She completely ignored what I had said and proceeded to ask to see our baby… To which I replied “he’s dead”. well… Lets just say she left pretty promptly after that.
Maybe if I did have support I would have be able to ask when I should stop bleeding or what was abnormal. I didn’t have anyone to ask and this lead me to bleed heavily for 5 weeks before I googled it myself and realised it wasn’t normal and ended up in A&E. I was bleeding fresh bright red blood and going through 4 maxi pads in an hour. After having examinations and scans they found that I had left over pregnancy tissue in my womb. They couldn’t get me into surgery that night so the next day I had to take tablets to basically make whatever was left in me come out. Now if you think about it I had left over shit from giving birth 5 weeks ago at this point, surely it wouldn’t be very safe? I ended up with an infection and I had a scan last week to still reveal it is in there. Maybe if I had regular contact with a health visitor or midwife I would have found out ALOT sooner that it wasn’t normal and wouldn’t be in the position that I am now.
When will this change?
I can honestly say I don’t know but I’m hoping it will soon. Just because my baby died doesn’t mean that I don’t go through what every other mum does. I still have given birth, I still have hard achy boobs, I still bleed and I still have a wobbly old mum tum.
Women who have lost their babies should be entitled to the same care as every other mum. It needs to change and it needs to change now. If everything I have already had to deal with wasn’t enough, I now have to deal with google being my only source of help. It sucks, it sucks major arse.