I was doing a lot of thinking yesterday after I posted and I have decided to talk about what happened after he was born, his appearance, and how I coped with it. So this next post is going to be about the 72 hours we got to spend with him.
What did he look like?
I know most you have seen pictures of him and I think we did pretty well to catch him at his good angels, but what did he really look like? Well when he was born he was wrapped up into a towel and handed to me. Now I was still pretty out of it because of the painkillers and the fact I also had an infection. However, when I woke up later on after a pretty horrendous time (I will explain in the next part) I had Dexy put on the bed next to me. I was just talking to him, playing with him, and telling him how perfect he was. It wasn’t until I tried to move him that I realised my precious little baby’s skin wasn’t in tact. We never got told it would be like this so lets just say it came as a pretty big shock to me. So I woke Phil up crying because I thought I had injured him because I didn’t remember his skin was like that. Phil then pulled out this phone and showed me pictures of Dexy when he was born without his clothes on. Imagine how your skin goes when you have been in the bath too long, he had been dead inside me in water for 4 days at this point. His skin was blistered and literally peeling off of him. My heart broke, I knew we couldn’t bathe him and that he was gone. You have this whole idea in your head that they will come out like every other newborn but that isn’t the case, they are so fragile and limp. After I got my head around it and knew that it wasnt my fault and I DIDN’T hurt him, I started to see how truly perfect he is.
What happened to me?
As I briefly mentioned above that I had an infection I was put on really strong antibiotics during labour and birth.
Everything was going well, I felt amazing, and I felt ready to go for a shower (big mistake). So my mum was in her knickers and vest top showering me and once I was feeling fresh as fuck I stood up to get out. What came out of me I can only describe as a scene from a really messed up horror movie. There was massive blood clots all over the floor, blood over the walls and toilet, it was pretty fucking gross.
phil went to get help and the midwives charged in and they couldn’t stop the bleeding. So the sweetest Dr came in and decided I didn’t have time to go to theatre and she needed to do it in the room. You would think that the next part would be easy because I just pushed nearly an 8 pound baby. But let me tell you, nothing is meant to go back in straight after. I’m going to put this bluntly and really grossly because there is no other way to tell you what she done next. She literally put her hand inside my vagina and scooped out the blood and clots. This is so fucking painful you have no idea! They thought everything was okay so I had no painkillers only gas and air and my fuck I thought I was going to die. I think everyone thought that.
I just remember seeing Phil’s face and he was scared. I honestly can’t imagine how he was feeling, thinking he was going to lose his wife straight after his son had just died. A little while and a lot of blood later everything calmed down.
I looked over to the other side on the room and my mum was still there in her knickers and vest top (put some clothes on darling).
How long were we there for?
We in total stayed three days and spent that time with him. we watched a movie together and we had loads of cuddles! we had an amazing charity come in “remember my baby” and they took beautiful photos of him and were so lovely!
I don’t really feel the need to go into much more detail with how we spent our time with him because they are memories that I want to keep and they are personal to me.
The time we did spend with him was perfect and I will never forget it.
How do you say goodbye?
You don’t. It’s that simple. we didn’t say goodbye to him, we simply just said see you later. we kissed him , stroked his little face and hands, and said what we needed to then we walked out the room. I thought the whole time it would have been a lot harder than it was. Because we spent that time with him and we said what we needed to it felt as right as it could have felt. Don’t get me wrong I was crying like Kim Kardashian. But, I know it was the right time for us to say goodbye.
Did we cope okay?
Yeah we did, we still are. It’s weird because your whole life has ended and you lay in bed for days on end, you don’t want to go out and you isolate yourself. But yet somehow you just know that’s what you’ve got to do and you do it. If I want to drink a bottle of wine and cry into his teddy, I will. If I want to go into town and buy myself loads of new stuff, I will. I dont think there is a right and wrong way of grieving. I think when you lose a child you can’t stop being present because they aren’t.
Right now I’m in bed, in Phil’s PJs, with bed hair, and no intention of getting dressed and a large mug of coffee and that IS OK.
Do what you need to do because at the end of the day, you still need to live.